A New Me

Living with Intention

2012-01-31T15:00:00.002-05:00

I talk a lot on here about lessons I've learned and books I've read. Lately, I've been doing a lot of blog reading as I work on growing my own blogs and starting a new business with Hubby.

One of the great sources I've found focuses on setting an intention for each day. I've heard Oprah talk about intention for years and tried to live my life focused on intention at all times. I haven't always been successful and often lose my intention for starting a project along the way. Enter Jess Constable at Make Under My Life. I found her blog through her company, Jess LC. In addition to owning an accessory company, she also does business consulting and recently moved into life consulting. For the masses who aren't using her services, she posts to her blog. Everyday is connected to intention in some way. It's great stuff. Be sure to check it out when you have a chance.

My intention for this week is to focus on meeting the goal and not the bumps along the way. I find that if I am bogged down by the bumps in the road, I lose sight of the purpose for the journey. What are your intentions for this week?

Midnight Hustler

2012-01-30T12:09:00.002-05:00

I saw the term "midnight hustler" in a blog post last week about following your passion while still working your day job. I like the term a lot because it fits my life right now. For the past month or so, around midnight you can find me and Hubby making or designing jewelry, coming up with photo shoot concepts, working on our website and preparing to launch our new business. I don't begrudge any of it because it feels right. It is passion driven to the point that I don't feel tired or burned out when I am doing that.

That said, I need to realize that I am burning the candle at both ends and there isn't much space left in the middle to breathe, meditate, pray, play or rest. Now, I have a major cold that just slammed me out of nowhere. I took some time to rest over the weekend but this week, I plan to try to set aside 10 minutes a night (I know it's not much but I have trouble dedicating time to doing nothing) to unwind and relax between the transition from work to dinner and back to work.

Last week, I tried using a relaxation app to play calming sounds for 30 minutes. That worked for one night. Then I tried a 20 minute spoken meditation app on Hubby's phone. That also worked for one night. For the rest of the week, we worked and were up until about 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. on average. Tonight, I'm going to try a hot shower after work to shake off the day before falling into my midnight hustle.

What do you to to relax when you find that you are working too hard?

Resolution Redux

2012-01-24T10:19:00.002-05:00

At the beginning of the year, I said I wasn't going to make resolutions this year. I was going to set bite-sized goals and try to chug along little by little. But yesterday, as someone was talking over me during a conference call and I was letting them (for the umpteenth time), I decided I need to be more assertive/confident in 2012 (and thereafter obviously). Trust me that I am not a wilted wall flower cowering in the corner. I like meeting and talking to people. I just have trouble with self promotion. I feel like I am searching for a pat on the back. I don't like people like that so I don't want to be one of those people.

Now, I am in a place where that ridiculous twisted thinking has to change. There is so much that hubby and I want to do this year (chief among them is fully launching (we're already on Etsy) and growing our business) and to do any of them well, I am going to have to come from behind the keyboard and say "I made this necklace I'm wearing. This is why it's great. Please sell it in your boutique, put it in your magazine, or treat yourself by buying one online."

The first step for me was telling friends and family about our business plans. They were all excited for me and just talking about it helped me become more confident. Beyond that--self help consumer extraordinaire that I am--I am trying different exercises to put myself out there. I'll keep you posted and feel free to share your tips for being more assertive and acting with confidence.

On the Horse Farm

2012-01-11T12:15:00.003-05:00

I overheard a conversation recently where colleagues were talking about a former colleague that moved away to open a farm. One said "We're here working and he's hanging out with his horses." The response was "He followed his dream, we followed a paycheck." The conversation immediately sparked a memory. When I stared this blog, there were tons of entries about finding my passion and following my purpose rather than chasing a paycheck. At points over the past 2+ years, I've struggled with that based on a need for stability and healthcare vs. the need to do something that fills me with joy. I found a sense of peace by carving out time to volunteer. I found relief and possibly an alternate form of paycheck by working on my jewelry and starting to sell it.

In all of it the tension between the need for money and the hunger for doing something you love is a lesson that I learned when I was immersed in Oprah's lifeclass. Earning a paycheck and following your passion don't have to be mutually exclusive. You can work a job that provides you with pay and you can take time out to follow the passion that makes you tick. If you are lucky, you can do what you love for a paycheck and earn enough to support the needs of your life. My ultimate hope is that I will be able to do just that. In the meantime, I think I have to keep following my paycheck (and my medical coverage) as I follow my dreams. Eventually, I will get to the "lucky" category. Great expectations!

New Year, New Opportunities

2012-01-04T15:21:00.002-05:00

As the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve, I was out at a lounge with hubby, my sister and her best friend. It was one of the best times I've had in a long time. At midnight, I made a plan to spend my year being just as I was at it's start: happy, healthy and excited for what's to come. To that end, I didn't make formal resolutions this year. Usually, I do a formal list and share it with my best friend so we can hold each other accountable. We usually start to falter (starting with anything connected to diet and exercise) sometime in February and we usually stop holding each other accountable around June. The same goals end up on the list year after year. Last year, I found setting small goals during the year worked best for me. I was accountable to myself and to anyone I chose to share the goal with. It worked for me and as resolutions go, that's really the point. Find what works and gives you the highest chance of success and go with that. This year, I have some things I want to do and I plan to get there by breaking the goal into bite sized pieces. Here they are:

1. Continue working towards optimal health. Last year, I converted to a vegan diet. This year, I will try to exercise more often. The small goal is to go to the gym, do an exercise video or take a walk 3 days this week. Reality says it will likely be gym or video considering that it is about 14 degrees outside.

2. Meditate more often. I started meditating last year by taking anywhere from 1 minute to 10 minutes a couple of times a week to just sit quietly with myself to either breathe, pray or think. My short term goal is to do that at least 5 times a week--preferably in the morning so I can clear my head before starting the day rather than waking up with my mind racing through a laundry list of the meetings I have that day, the outfit I'll wear, the obligations I have after work, etc. Another short term goal is to meditate with hubby at least twice a week.

3. Spend more time with family. Hubby and I live in NY. We have family in Brooklyn, Queens, Atlanta and North Carolina and we don't see any of them nearly enough. We are all going through our lives thinking of each other but not really taking the time to set aside a Saturday or Sunday to have dinner or drinks. It is always a special occasion and every time, we say, we should hang out more. This year, I plan to be the driving force behind that. I can't force people to hang out but I can make the opportunity available. The short term goal is to plan a summer vacation where we will rent a house and just barbecue, swim, play games and relax for a week. I'll get the options together and send it out. We'll see who bites.

4. Date Night!! Hubby and I have been doing date night for over a year now. Our marriage was on solid footing before but this has done wonders to bringing us closer and deepening our friendship. We sit, eat, drink and talk for hours. We might occasionally go to a movie but generally, we go somewhere where we can talk. Admittedly, we don't have children yet and I hear that will change things drastically. My short terms goal is to keep date night sacred no matter what.

5. Pursue other interests. I have a lot of things other than the law that I am passionate about. Cooking, writing and making jewelry make me tick in a way that the law just can't. Yet, most of the time, I feel like I am devoting my life to my profession. When I am pursuing my hobbies, I am happy. Based on that happy feeling, I am constantly reminding myself that life can't be all about the work that provides the paycheck. It is the lesson I learned and talked about when I first started this blog and it is one that I am still constantly reminding myself of. Because of it, last year, I was able to write a script that hubby is going to direct, write a cookbook and start a small Etsy shop with hubby. This year is going to be about shooting the film, publishing the cookbook and growing the Etsy business. Fingers crossed!

6. Accept whatever comes. There are a lot of other changes that I think this year will bring based on my own plans and what I'm putting out to the universe in prayer. I don't need to detail them here but the plan is to find peace (through some of my other goals like optimal health and meditation) so I can accept whatever life has for me. Worry less, expect good outcomes. That's the plan.

I'd venture to say my posts this year will be about some part of these goals...not so much a report card as a here's what's going on with me. Here's to manageable goals and forward movement. Feel free to comment and share your goals for the new year. Cheers!

Oprah's Lifeclass

2011-10-17T13:03:00.002-04:00

For those of you who read my blog, you know I've been on the growth bandwagon for a while now. I call it growth because I hate to use the phrase "self help." Truthfully, my growth hasn't come so much from self help as it has from the lessons of family, friends and strangers alike. Sometimes, I even think I'm passing on the lesson and I end up learning something myself. Experiences turn into lessons and
they are all around us if we are willing to take the time to listen and fill our mental storehouses.

These days, life is flying. I am busy establishing myself in a fairly new job, trying to launch and promote my Etsy shop and trying to re-work my cookbook into a vegan version of itself. I'm also volunteering with my teen mentor group and sitting on the board of two community organizations. I don't say any of that to give you the laundry list of what I do. I say it because I find myself at a crossroads I've been at before. I was here in my early 20s. Finding myself looking at a choice between my job and my life and I walked down the career path. I rumbled around in the rock tumbler of corporate America for years. At the end, I was smoothed out into something that was polished on the outside but bore no unique qualities. I looked like every other BigLaw lawyer in the bunch. Worn out, glazed over and unsure of the future...unsure if that life was what I wanted when I went to law school. Then life answered my question with a resounding no. The rest is history. Now, as I am looking both ways and choosing what path to take, I find that it is no coincidence that Oprah's Lifeclass has started. In just the first week, I've thought about things in a new way. It's not about giving up my job or walking away from corporate America. I like the challenge and I like the environment that I'm working in now. But you know that from my earlier posts. What it is about for me now is finding a life outside of that. Finding me and keeping me on the list even when there are other people to be accountable to. Oprah's Lifeclass is giving me the space to do that. I am taking time to think about each lesson and apply it to my life.

Why share that? I decided that I would make it part of my blog. It's about the journey and opening it up to the possibilities by listening to others on the same journey. If you are in Lifeclass mode, feel free to comment or join the journey with a blog of your own. I'm not going to backtrack, but I will post the names of the first five lessons.

Lesson 1: The False Power of Ego (In just a week, I've gotten better at realizing when it is more about ego than self. Big one for me.)

Lesson 2: Letting Go of Anger (This is one I learned and started to apply years ago. It has helped me to get some distance from the things that hurt me and do the work to address the pain rather than holding on to toxic stress.)

Lesson 3: You Become What You Believe (I believe that you can manifest positive energy and plan your path based on faith that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. That's not to say that the road will be easy but the journey is possible.)

Lesson 4:The Truth will Set you Free (For me, this is about learning to be your authentic self. I think I am more of that each day and less afraid about what people will think of me as I truly am.)

Lesson 5: Joy Rising (I talk about gratitude and joy a lot. I try to make it the focus at least for part of the day every day. I am not always successful but it's the focus.)

You can learn more and watch the webcasts on www.oprah.com.

Full Circle Moment

2011-05-23T13:14:00.004-04:00

I had drinks with a close friend this weekend. As we were catching up and talking about other friends she noted, "Everyone I know is so unhappy. It seems like everyone is struggling." I didn't think twice about agreeing with her. It wasn't until later that I thought, "I am pretty happy, actually." I wonder if I somehow give off a different impression. It's certainly not my intention to appear sad or miserable. I am anything but these days.

When I started this blog, I felt like I had lost a lot of myself by losing my job. It turns out that I just didn't have time to get to know myself that well between the 60+ hour work weeks and the struggle that came with battling an illness. After sitting on the couch moping for a long while, I somehow got my head together and found peace. Well, not exactly "somehow." I blogged, I prayed, I focused on the power of positive thinking. Since that time, my life has come almost full circle.

I used to work in BigLaw. Now I work for a company and my BigLaw firm works for me. I have been able to go to an awards gala and chat for 20 minutes with the person who made BigLaw a total nightmare without wanting to break a wine bottle over his head. In fact, somewhere in the conversation, I realized that I didn't have that nauseating, nervous feeling that I'd had every time I thought I might see him at events over the past 2 years. I make time for my passions. I am selling my gratitude bracelets (go way back to my blog entry from Monday, May 25, 2009) on Etsy. I still wear the green one and hubby wears the wooden one. I write like crazy (which is why the blog posts have gotten so infrequent) and I cook even more.

I finally got the opportunity to create the teen empowerment group I've been dreaming of for years and after a slow start, it is going really well. I started and have stuck to my year long Bible reading plan. I think I've gotten closer to God in that way but it has raised enough questions that I now approach spirituality in a different way. I make time to have a date or two with my husband every week and we eat dinner together most nights. I now make a conscious effort to find the positive side of things and my mom's zen like attitude doesn't seem so unattainable.

Sidebar: Reading back through what I just wrote, I could say to myself "Shut up Susie Sunshine. No one is that happy." It's likely true. I will readily admit that its not all blue skies and rainbows. I sometimes feel pulled in a million different directions, I am still in a great deal of debt, and while my health is much better, I am reminded often enough (and particularly when I am hooked up to an IV for 2 days of treatment) that I am not a healthy person.

Yet, if you asked me, I would say I am happy and looking forward to the future. I could list a lot of things that are wrong but I would rather say things have happened and continue to have ramifications in my daily life but the trials have undoubtedly made me into a better, happier, more self aware person. To me, that's the best that one can hope for. Now I just have to work on showing that to the outside world. After all, what good is finding happiness if you still look miserable?

Joy Comes in the Morning

2011-01-24T01:05:00.001-05:00

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. That is a Biblical reference but even if you’ve never picked up a Bible, you’ve probably heard a platitude reflecting the same sentiment in your lifetime:

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.”

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

“When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.”

I get daily scripture from a gadget on my desktop and though I have heard the verse above at least a thousand times, it struck me in a different way today. Going through tough times tends to push us deep inside ourselves. We get so wrapped up in our circumstances and our seeming inability to change them that we forget about the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Our “night” of weeping may be several days, weeks, months or even years but there is always joy in the morning. It may not be the joy we expect or seek. We may not win the lottery after struggling through financial troubles. We will not get back our loved ones who have passed away. We may not find the right mate within a mental deadline. But we will, if we are blessed, wake up and face a new day. We will have a chance to learn a new lesson and value new things. We will have an opportunity to change our perspective if we internalize the lessons that life presents to us. We will be given a reason to smile.

When I lost my job, all I could think about was how my life would change. Who was I if I wasn’t working? How would I pay the bills? What would become of the neat little life that I was used to? Answer? Life became a mess. I did my share of weeping and worrying. I was resentful and that resentment turned into depression. Then, a funny thing happened. I started working through my feelings. I was honest about where I was and I addressed and gave space to all of the emotions—good, bad and ugly. I kept waking up each day and even though I didn’t know what I would face, I was being given an opportunity to work towards joy. If you read the blog, you know that eventually, I started to volunteer and found joy in helping others. Volunteering led to a job opportunity and when health care issues with that job came up, another one landed in my lap. I firmly believe that I was given those blessings because I got outside of myself and searched for joy. With distance, I have learned the lessons of that dark time in my life. I worked through and released the cause for my weeping and realized that in a weird way, the loss of my job was a cause for joy. I am a new person. I like my new job but it doesn’t define me. I find happiness in my family and friends rather than in the things that my paycheck can buy. Before, I let my job consume me at the expense of everything personal, including my health. Today, I make time to volunteer because it is important to me and I am blessed to work with people who understand that I have other obligations. I make my doctor’s appointments so I can take care of my body and I take time for life and love because I value my soul. I may be still feeling the financial ramifications of losing that first job 2 years ago but I am starting to get a handle on the tidal wave of debt that destroyed my credit and rebuild my savings. I am in rebuilding mode and I am thankful for the opportunity to rebuild. What I make now is just enough but we are working on making changes so we will have more than enough to live, give and save.

There are surely struggles to come but I am not waiting for the hammer to drop. When roadblocks pop up, I will count them as joy for the perseverance they will help develop. I will surely weep in the night but there will be a morning. Therein lies faith, hope, expectation and freedom to feel unbridled joy.

Self Care

2010-10-11T11:53:00.002-04:00

Most of us who sit in front of a computer all day spend at least a few minutes browsing the headlines on some of the more popular websites (Yahoo, CNN, Wall Street Journal, New York Times, or even some entertainment blogs). Today, I was doing just that when I got a brash reminder of who we have become as a collective culture. We are (for the most part) the people who drag ourselves into work everyday no matter what is going on. Health issues, family crisis, family event be damned. If drama doesn’t have the good sense to occur on a weekend, then it will have to wait in line behind a myriad of conference calls, e-mails, meetings and presentations. Otherwise, there would never be a need to remind people to do basic self care.

I’ll explain. I logged on to Yahoo today to check one of my personal e-mail accounts (and to clean out the daily smattering of spam). While on the home page, I browsed the Today section. After a quick scan, I saw headlines about the death of a “controversial” Miss USA titleholder, cooking with coffee, and a fine imposed on Terrell Owens for tweeting too close to a game. Then I came across “Signs You’re Too Ill for Work.” I clicked on the link thinking I would find a warning to keep your germs to yourself and some common cold prevention tips. Wash your hands, stay away from co-workers who are hacking up a lung without covering their mouths, don’t touch door handles, etc.

Instead I found, stay home if you (i) have a fever over 100 degrees; (ii) are a sneezing, runny-nosed mess (and it’s not allergies); (iii) are vomiting or experiencing diarrhea; (iv) just got a prescription for antibiotics (because it takes 24 hours for them to kick in); or (v) can’t sit, stand, walk or twist. The article ends with a reminder that “taking a day to heal doesn’t make you a slacker! Schlepping to work when you’re truly ill may seem heroic, but resting a day or two can speed your recovery and save you (and your co-workers) lost time in the long run.”

It made me wonder what type of society we live in where we need that sort of reminder. Then I sit back and think of where I was a couple of years ago. Sick…really sick and suffering from a seemingly unending lupus flare. I went to work almost every day. I exposed my co-workers to a withering, hair losing shell of a person all for the sake of being a team player (read: law firm martyr). More importantly, I didn’t give my body the respect it needed to cope. As a result, I got worse and worse until I was bed ridden for a couple of weeks and eventually in a hospital infusion unit. All of that, as you know, didn’t make me a hero or keep me employed in this struggling economy. The new me, the one I have been focusing on for the past year, has a different level of respect for self. The body I have might not be perfect. Admittedly, it is far from it…but it gets me where I need to go and even when it’s in pain, its still ticking and moving me forward through this crazy life. I owe it to my body and to the God that gave it to me to respect it and take care of it when it is breaking down. It took me what seemed like forever to know that taking a day to heal doesn’t make me a slacker. Yet, today, I was glaring at words that reminded me to rest when I am sick. My brain was screaming “DUH!” I guess I finally learned the lesson: This isn’t elementary school. Life is a marathon and perfect attendance isn’t going to get me anything that matters at the end of my life. In fact, all it might do is decrease the distance to the finish line. In the race of life, who really wants to finish quickly when you have the choice of finishing well? Know better? Do better.

Finding your Passion

2010-10-05T12:56:00.002-04:00

There is a new show on MTV called World of Jenks. It is a short documentary style series that follows a young filmmaker (Andrew Jenks) as he spends time with people from all walks of life. So far, he has spent time with a homeless teen, a rapper, a UFC fighter, a teen suffering from Autism and an animal rescuer. He takes a lesson from each person and moves on. At the close of last night's episode, Jenks, who narrates the show, explained that though her work was dangerous, the animal rescuer was following her passion. He went on to explain that the root of the word "passion" comes from the Latin word meaning "suffer." It surprised me and then made me think about all of the inspirational quotes that encourage us to follow our passion.

If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you.
-- T. Alan Armstrong

Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion.
-- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

"There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only the passion of life.”
-- Federico Fellini

If you replace passion with suffering in those quotes, they somehow lose their appeal. No one truly wants to suffer. Yet, the quotes don't lose their meaning. Isn't it true that if there is no suffering in our lives, we haven't really lived or accomplished anything? Of course, if given the chance, we would all wish the suffering of the world away but aren't we often greater people for having faced and overcome the suffering that pops up in our lives? Would I be as passionate about helping victims of domestic violence/sexual assault if I had not once been there myself? Or would I have developed a passion for writing if suffering didn't give me a need to vent? Would I care about lobbying for greater health care coverage in the U.S. if I wasn't sick and battling with insurance companies? Simply put, no, not at all.

Finding and exploring your passion may not always be a pleasant process and it may not lead you into glorious work for which you are well paid, but it will teach you many life lessons. At the end of your life, when you remember what you were passionate about, chances are you won't reflect on the suffering. Instead (if you are lucky) you will speak poetically about fulfillment and passion and the meaning it gave to your life. You will encourage others to follow their passion as you did.
Perhaps sharing that lesson is the point of this life. We are distracted and worried by many things but maybe the gut punch in your life (whatever it may be) will lead you to your purpose. Embrace it but don't dwell on it. Figure out the lesson and where it should lead you. Maybe it will lead to a change in the world. Maybe it will just lead to a change in you. Either way, the world is better for it.

Perspective

2010-06-01T14:31:00.000-04:00

Hubby and I celebrated his birthday and our 2nd anniversary this month. We managed to zip out of town for a quick road trip. As per usual, I printed maps and museum brochures and restaurant menus. The best moments of that trip were not any of the things I planned. It was the last minute, unplanned moments that started with “Ooh look! An old fashioned ice cream shop!” and ended with a walk on the pier in a seaside town and sticky hands covered with melted ice cream. It was in the closeness of talking in the car and laughing at each other’s jokes without the interruption of the TV or the telephone. The occasion was an excuse to get away but the celebration was in the recognition of my own happiness.

It got me thinking. There are few moments in life where we are happy and actually take the time to sit back and acknowledge it. We get so caught up in the celebration of occasions and the counting of milestones, that we forget to relish the journey. Just like marriage exists separate and apart from the pomp and circumstance of the wedding ceremony, life exists outside of the day to day. It resides in the moments. If we’re not taking time to relish those moments, we’re just moving through the days because biology and responsibility compel us to. Being alive shouldn’t be the focus of our joy only on birthdays just like marriage shouldn’t be honored only on anniversaries.
I have been on a roller coaster over the last year or so. Actually, I was on a roller coaster for the 6+ years I worked in BigLaw. Then I was on a long slide into hell…at least that is what I would have said if you asked me what my life was like shortly after losing my job. Then, something happened. I stopped focusing on what was wrong and started talking about what I wanted. Mostly, it was to know who I was going to be if I wasn’t a big firm lawyer. I spent so much time giving myself to my old job that I had little left for me and the people that I love. In those moments after I lost my job, all I had was time to give of myself and to myself. Eventually, things got better and now I am on a journey of my own choosing. Opportunities keep popping up and I keep taking them. My plate holds a heaping helping but I don’t feel a bit overwhelmed and I still manage to talk to hubby at night about everything (big life moments) and nothing (the commute, what’s on TV, etc.).

All of this hit me like a feather (that’s more pleasant…hit me like a ton of bricks seems so much more violent, right?) as I was frosting carrot cupcakes for hubby’s b-day. I felt really happy with my life in that moment, and for once, I said it out loud and (BONUS!) I was able to explain exactly why. I like my jobs and I like volunteering. I am happy with my marriage and starting to pick up the pieces of my financial near-disaster. Of course, there is room to grow and I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Yet, everything says this is where I am supposed to be. So, I wake up because I want to (and God allowed me to) and not because my alarm went off or because my paycheck needs earning. The biggest lesson that I learned over the past year was to trust the journey. If I knew then what I know now, and could have given myself advice a year ago, I would have said: If you stop trying to control it, you will end up where you
are supposed to be. That’s not to say that it will be easy. It is to say, however, that even when it’s hard, ultimately, it will be ok. Keep moving ahead. Stop to relish the moments that make this long string of days into a life. Evaluate the baggage you carry on a regular basis. Drop the worn out hurts and disappointments as soon as you can. Heavy burdens are not yours to bear…and they make the journey so much less pleasant. When one thing isn’t working, lean on the things that are. If everything isn’t working, learn to lean on God. And then, just before the me of a year ago raised an eyebrow and said, “Spare me all the philosophical B.S.” I would have left it at that.

Priorities

2010-04-06T00:37:00.001-04:00

After talking to a good friend this week, I found myself giving advice that I don't take to heart very often. We were talking about being taken for granted and I was waxing philosophical about how most people focus on the broken people and things in their life and in trying to fix them, we let the people and things that work take a back seat. I talked about how ridiculous it is and then after ending the conversation, I took a look in the proverbial mirror and had a "pot, meet kettle" moment. I have spent (maybe I should say wasted) years of my life worrying about things I can't fix or change and about people who treat me so poorly that they aren't worth my effort. In the meantime, I have put so many working relationships on the back burner. I have spent so much time being frustrated and depressed about tests, job rejections, finances, health conditions, broken friendships, the judgment of others, vanity (weight loss/gain, gray hairs and the like) and a
seemingly unending list of other assorted what-ifs while life kept moving forward.

At the same time, if you ask me on any given day what the most important things in my life are, I wouldn't list one of those things I worried about. I would smile and list the things that make my life worth facing everyday. You wouldn't have to listen long to be convinced that what I hold dear forms the foundation that keeps life from crumbling down on top of me. If you dug a little deeper though, you would see that I love my husband and think of him often during the day but that our relationship falls low on my list of things to take time for Monday-Friday because I have work to do, appointments to make, etc., etc. ad nauseum.

My current TO DO list says:

Finish report
Finish spreadsheet
Design program for event
Dishes
Plan meals for week
Grocery shop
Finish library book
Work on new ring design
Update blog
Get Advil from Target
Call doctor

Where is the life on that list? I mean there is the boring stuff that makes up the everyday but there is no joy...unless you take real pleasure in crossing things off of your grocery list. I don't. Yet, if someone said "all you do is work," I would contest it in a heartbeat. Yet, sitting here, I notice that my list doesn't say "tell husband you love him," "take a moment for yourself," or "call mom, dad and sister just to say hi." Most people would say, "Those things don't need to be written down. We just know to do them." Yet, we get so busy with the things that have made the list that we don't pay attention to those things/people that "don't need to be written down." So, in this quest to find the new me, I have decided that the new me has a different set of priorities. Why not? I’m the author of this chapter of my life. And at the end, when the credits roll, I don’t want my tombstone to say: “Here lies Nicole. She was worn out from worry.” My life is MUCH happier these days and I am less stressed since I left large law firm practice but when issues arise, I fall into old habits. The focus is work, housework (which often falls way too low on the list), and errands...with a few exceptions. In this life, I have given to much time to my least favorite things and I can say the same for most people that I know. Maybe its time that the things that we don’t need to put on the list start getting written down right along with the reports and groceries. Take time for the things and people that aren’t broken. They deserve to be in the prologue to your day and not in the end notes.

Purpose vs. Profession

2010-03-16T00:51:00.000-04:00

Purpose and profession are not necessarily the same thing. It sounds simple, right? Yet, most of us (including me) often go through life defining themselves by what they do and how it will influence what they will leave behind. When I lost my previous job, I didn't know what to think of myself. I have written about that before. I had gone through life to that point defining myself as a lawyer first. Then, I became more of myself and less of my job title because...well, I didn't have a job title. Then, when I got a new job, I had trouble defining myself because I wasn't practicing law and there was some sense of loss in that. When I started to get adjusted to my new role and I began to love my job, I began to feel what I thought was purpose surging through my veins again. The only drawback was that I was struggling financially. Then, there was the health insurance fiasco that I wrote about a few weeks ago. And all of a sudden, seemingly out of the sky came a potential job offer that would pay me 4 times what I am making now. All of it led to a series of questions. Is money the right reason to leave a job? If working in my current job is truly my purpose, why am I struggling so much? If I am not meant to go back to corporate practice, why did this opportunity come to me? Then, I was reading "The Purpose Driven Life" last night and came across the line that purpose and profession are not necessarily the same thing. I have owned this book for several years now and started it a couple of times but never stuck with it. To be honest, I never got past chapter two. But everything happens for a reason and things (and people) come into your life when they are supposed to. I happened to be in my husband's home office on Friday telling him about my day. After I finished talking, I turned to go downstairs to veg out on the sofa and relax in front of the TV. Then, for some reason, I decided to stay. I turned on NBC to watch my new favorite show: Who Do You Think You Are? and plopped down in the client chair. On a commercial break, I was staring at the bookshelf and there it was. I picked it up and started reading it on commercial breaks. The book prompts you to read just one short chapter per day and to reflect on the focus of each chapter for that day. After reading through the first three chapters, I have walked away with a couple of thoughts but most important was the thought that opened this entry.

My profession doesn't have to define me and I don't have to give all of myself to my job. I can work and get paid enough to live on, have better health insurance options and still make time to pursue my passions. Maybe I was led to my current job to find my purpose and then, once I further developed a passion for helping others and not just giving lip service to it, an opportunity came so that I can prosper both financially and physically. This revelation brings me full circle to when I started this blog. When I started the site, in the description of myself, I wrote "This blog is to document my journey from six figures to no figures and back (hopefully). Circumstances have led me to find a new me. I guess if I am ever going to start over and create a life where I like what I do and still manage to be financially secure, it might as well be now."

I do like what I am doing now but I am certainly not financially secure. In fact, I am sinking more and more everyday but I HAVE found a new me. A me that puts me higher on my list of priorities and won't sacrifice my passions and interests for my career. A me that doesn't feel guilty about taking a stand for myself...and perhaps, soon, a me that is financially secure. All that in less than a year. I wonder what the rest of the year will bring!

Lost Generation by Jonathan Reed

2010-02-18T23:46:00.004-05:00

Here is the poem I promised. You need sound on your computer to get the full effect.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2010-02-18T23:00:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a while and its not for lack of things to post about. Lots of things have been happening in my life and and its transcending the blog and moving to a visual medium. My best friend, after months of listening to me and others vent about job loss, health care, and other drama floating in this recession induced abyss, has decided to work on a documentary. It's an exciting project for me to be involved in and I look forward to updating you as it moves from an idea to a final product.

In terms of my own woes, I have been bumping my head against the pre-existing condition exclusion with my new insurance company. I almost feel like I was better off unemployed. I was excited to have a job after months of searching for many reasons. It was new, and though the job I took pays next to nothing, it presented me with a tremendous opportunity for personal growth AND health care (as opposed to expensive COBRA coverage). I waited to finish my probationary period and then went in to choose my health coverage option. I discovered that the insurance company had raised the rate by over 23%. This would mean that half of my already insufficient pay would be going to health care for only me (spousal coverage would take about 75% of my monthly pay). This doesn't include dental and vision coverage. It was a take it or leave it proposition initially because small companies simply don't have the "leverage to negotiate." Then, we were presented with a few other options with lower premiums. For me, this was terrible because the low premium plans have high deductibles and you can't see a specialist (which is all I have seen for years) without a referral. Prescriptions are over double what I used to pay with my six figure salary. The process of picking the plan for the whole agency was...well, you'll have to wait for the documentary, but I'll say that it put me in a situation where I felt laid bare in front of my co-workers, I spilled a few tears and at the end of what felt like a battle, I went home without the win. Once I finally chose a plan, I came home expecting to get an insurance card. Instead, I got a letter about my pre-existing condition and how I can legally be excluded from treatment for these conditions for up to one year. I am five days from running out of some of my medications, I haven't seen my rheumatologist in 3 months and I am in a back and forth paperwork exchange with the insurance company. Heavy sigh. To be honest, a potential position came up with another company and though it's a contract position, if ultimately offered to me, I will take it. It sucks that most fulfilling jobs aimed at social justice are impossible to sustain unless you are independently wealthy. If I get excluded from coverage for a pre-existing condition, I will be choosing between heat and health care. Its not the place I want to be and it's certainly not a place I can live in considering my health issues. Again, we're back at the tug of war between personal fulfillment and financial commitments.

So why the heck is this post called "Out of the Mouths of Babes?" Despite all of the drama in my own life, I had the opportunity over the past four days to help facilitate a workshop for high school students talking about how they deal with various "isms" (sexism, racism, heterosexism, adultism, etc.) in their lives. The workshop gave them a chance to bond, to speak out, to listen, to validate and to share. What I walked away with was a sense that despite the struggles they have to deal with at such young ages, they feel empowered to change the world. They agreed that the world is filled with ills and they seem overwhelming but they still feel that change is possible. Most importantly, they feel it starts with small changes in their own lives. I have to say, these young people had a serious impact on me. They have been through a lot and are wise beyond their years. Their fervor reminded me of the saying I wear on an inscribed bangle almost daily: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Gandhi

I am rejuvenated and reminded not to get bogged down by my own situation. I need to focus on the bigger picture because until it changes, my situation will remain the same. Something has to be done about ________________. You can fill in your own blank. At the moment, mine would say health care, unemployment, underemployment, cuts to funding for non-profit organizations working for social justice, and better medications for lesser known illnesses. Though I spent the week empowering youth, I walked away empowered too. I feel the strength of my voice a little more and am better prepared to raise it. Who's with me?

Also, check out the next post for a great poem that one of the students from the workshop found and shared. Really good stuff.

Outside of Myself

2010-01-14T01:06:00.000-05:00

Today was not a good day. The lack of compassion I experienced at the hands of others started my day with a slap in the face and the bad feelings promised to tug at my heels all day. By mid-morning, I had a whole blog mapped out in my head and my fingertips were eager to get close to a keyboard. Then, as I went through the day, I kept hearing more and more about the Haitian earthquake catastrophe. By the end of a long day, my migraine was severe but my problems, while valid in my world, seemed much smaller than they did this morning. After a few minutes of television news coverage, I was over myself. I realized that though my issues may be growing, there is someone out there that would trade their life in a heartbeat for a day of living in my sick body. Yet, even with my financial issues, unreasonable health care costs, and illnesses that are robbing me of choices and making major life decisions for me, I wouldn’t trade this life to walk a day in their bodies. With that, I decided to make a new Thank You bracelet today. I plan to use it for a couple of things. I plan to thank God for all of the things that my body does correctly. I also plan to thank God that I am able bodied enough to do what I can for others. After all, "our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds." -George Eliot

So, instead of wallowing in our own pity today, why not look at how we can help others. Instead of drowning our miseries with wine, food, exercise, meaningless TV, etc., why not lift our spirits by doing something good for someone else who needs you more than you can imagine? There are so many opportunities to do good…to step outside of yourself and into the role of compassionate helper. If you can give, do so and if all you can do is pray, start your conversation with God.

If you want to help in Haiti, start by looking at the American Red Cross website (www.redcross.org) or Yele Haiti (Wyclef Jean’s grassroots movement focused on raising awareness about Haiti and transforming the country through various programs).

River Wide, Mountain High...Getting Past Obstacles

2009-12-30T02:23:00.000-05:00

It has been a while. I haven’t written because I had a lot on my head and heart but I wasn’t in a place to wax poetic about my situation. Once I was ready, I was busy and kept putting off my writing time. Then, today, I was opening the door to go outside at work. I wasn't venturing far. I just needed to get in range of my car, press my key and set the alarm on my car. An older female co-worker saw me and in her motherly way admonished me for not wearing a coat. I explained that I wasn't going all the way outside and was just opening the door. The woman with her exclaimed "Leave her alone. She is young and healthy!!" Given that the statement couldn't be further from the truth, I started to think about how my outlook on life has influenced my outside look. In some way, it is all connected to my quest to become a new me. A person that is positive, happy and in control of my emotions for the most part. I can’t control what is going on with my body or my future but I can control how I react to things. Because of that, I choose to react to each disturbing medical diagnosis, each job application rejection, each denial letter from a publisher with a positive outlook. That is not to say that I won’t every get upset. In fact, I cry, stress, panic and yell when I need to. I am not a robot and I am not advocating being emotion free. Eventually, though, you have to take a step out of your grief bog or you will slip into quicksand. Actively seek the lesson and if you can’t find one, make a concerted effort to find the silver lining. Can’t find either? I’ve been there. In fact, I am there now. The only thing left to do is to encourage myself. I have been through worse and I have learned that no matter how wide the river obstructing my path through life, it can always be crossed. I may meet another obstacle on the other side BUT at least I got to that side…and if I got there, I can get through the next obstacle too. As I face the latest obstacle before me, I remember a quote I was given by a friend when I graduated from law school: “What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

Entitled to Boldness

2009-12-07T00:57:00.001-05:00

I have been in my new job for less than 3 months and I already want a promotion. I know how that sounds. Crazy, right? A position opened last week and here I am, still on probation. I don’t have benefits and can’t accrue vacation time BUT I know I can do this job and excel. The problem is that I still love my current position and am just getting comfortable. So, in order to apply, I am going to have to sell myself and my idea for the position, which would change the way the job is currently done and how they planned to fill the position. In short, I want both jobs. In short, I want a new position created just for me. As I thought about how to present this to my supervisor and the executive director of the agency, I started to doubt myself and ask if I wanted to be that person who tried to upset the balance. What made me so special? Why would they create something for me? I am the new kid on the block. Should I even ask for such a thing? By the end of it, I had doubted myself into not even asking but then I decided not to run away from being bold. What’s the worst that could happen?

Being bold is not part of our DNA. It is something that is either encouraged or stifled by our parents, mentors, teachers, friends, and eventually by ourselves. Usually, at some point in our journey, we get to a point where we remain stagnant because we don’t want to ruffle feathers or we think that acting on our idea will paint us as a person who upsets the balance, asks for too much or thinks he or she is special. What we never ask is why those things have come to be categorized as unappealing? Why not be someone who upsets the balance. Civil rights, women’s suffrage, gay rights…none of that is part of the balance. It is when the balance is upset that we find progress as a society. Most people acknowledge that and admire those who fight for change.

Why don’t we do this in our own lives? We only have so much life to live. Why spend it going along with the status quo when it doesn’t make us happy. I say do your part to knock down the walls in your life. Want a promotion? Ask for it. Want more out of your relationships? Ask for it. Want more education? Go back to school. You may not know how things will work out or if the answer waiting for you on the other side of your question is “no.” At the end of the day, all you will know is that you tried. Live your life as free of regret as you possibly can. Upset the balance. You are entitled.

Compassion Fatigue

2009-11-17T23:39:00.000-05:00

I learned a new term for burnout today: Compassion Fatigue. I usually don't get technical in my posts but I will give the actual definition. It refers to a gradual lessening of compassion over time. It is common among victims of trauma and individuals that work directly with victims of trauma. Sufferers can exhibit several symptoms including hopelessness, a decrease in experiences of pleasure, constant stress and anxiety, and a pervasive negative attitude. This can have detrimental effects on individuals, both professionally and personally, including a decrease in productivity, the inability to focus, and the development of new feelings of incompetency and self doubt. The condition is also known as Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder. (Thank you Wikipedia.)

Learning about this condition made me think of my former life in a large corporate law firm and of the lives of so many people that I know working in corporate America. They may not experience these symptoms because of working with people who have experienced trauma, but they certainly experience most if not all of these symptoms. The so called detrimental effects described how I felt nearly every day in my old job. The interesting distinction is that in my new job, efforts are made to treat this condition whereas my superiors in my old job often seemed to have a vested interest in making sure you stayed mired in most of the symptoms. There are a couple of exceptions. Anything that leads to a decrease in productivity leads to a decrease in profit, so that wouldn't be tolerated. Its not that they would encourage treatment but more that they would cut your salary or get rid of you all together. As for the inability to focus...well, it depends. If you can't focus on anything but work, that's fine. No one cares about your home life but if you can't focus on work, that's a problem.

I understand why I am just learning about compassion fatigue. Its a term unique to the social services/social change industry. But, in a world where most of us seem to be suffering from a stress disorder bought on by work, family, relationships, or otherwise, why am I just hearing about the need for treatment and just meeting a supervisor who takes time to process issues with their employees so as to try to prevent the condition in the first place? We have all seen the sporadic Today Show, 20/20, and Nightline reports telling us that stress can cause (among other things) depression, diabetes, hair loss, heart disease, hyperthyroidism, obesity, obsessive-compulsive or anxiety disorder, sexual dysfunction, tooth and gum disease, ulcers and possibly cancer. Yet, we keep showing up for the abuse on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should all quit our jobs and make a mass exodus to Walden Pond to decompress. I am suggesting that most jobs should provide some sort of way for their employees to decompress beyond paying for perks like yoga sessions in the office or free cookies in the break room. If our marriage is failing, we can go to counseling or get a divorce. If our friends are stressing us out, we can cut them off. But if we work in a toxic environment, we are stuck...especially in this economy. There really should be a neutral place for employees to discuss their burnout without the fear of being fired, left out of new assignments or being moved from the career track to the lame duck track. If we really believe that paychecks are wages for work as opposed to a purchase price for your life, then change has to take place. It doesn't seem revolutionary to me...just logical.

Growth Headache

2009-11-17T23:33:00.001-05:00

Working in a career focused on social justice/societal change has given me a growth headache. It sounds a bit negative but it is truly a good thing. The issues that I didn't pay attention to before (beyond the occasional "that's so sad") now consume hours of my time. Its not just about counseling and outreach. Its learning (truly learning) about history (full and honest...not 6th grade social studies and 7th grade units on WWI and WWII) and how it has shaped society. I have spent so much time challenging my own ideas and talking through the analysis with others that I've had a headache for days. The bright side is that I'm growing. You know those little sponge creatures that start out tiny but grow exponentially when you put them in water? That's the best way for me to explain what's going on with me. Most importantly, I feel like there's purpose in all of this. It goes beyond clients. It's grooming me. I'm on a path that I couldn't have planned. In giving up some control and just going with what's in front of me, I have learned so much about myself. I've also healed the scars left by my previous work experience. In doing so, I've cleared a path and found a new road-one that I am happy to travel now that I have unloaded some of the baggage from my former life.

Perks and Titles

2009-10-29T19:11:00.003-04:00

This is going to be a short entry but I had to share. Last night, I was working on an article proposal and I got to thinking. Back when I was at the firm, the perks were the best part of my job. I was working in a huge law firm in New York City. I had my own office with floor to ceiling windows in Times Square. I had high quality business cards and when I responded to “What do you do for a living?” I was met with respect and admiration. After five years at the firm, I was taking home over $10,000 a month after taxes. Seriously, I was living a dream, but not my own. I hated my work because I wasn't fulfilled. I went home run down, tired and empty at the end of each day. I took on pro bono work in an effort to make a difference but it wasn’t enough because billable work always had to come first. I got to a place where I put my job before my health, my relationship and my spirituality.

Today, I got my first paycheck at my new job. I worked for a little over half of the pay period and my check was just shy of $700 after taxes. I didn't spend my day sitting behind a big desk in a skyscraper with my back to a huge picture window. BUT, I did attend a conference focused on human rights. At various moments during the event, I was inspired, tearful, hopeful and amused. When I signed in at the name tag table this morning, the spreadsheet included a column for my name, my agency and my title. In the title column beside my name, it said "Activist." Imagine that. It actually made me a little giddy. After all, it's why I went to law school in the first place. I wanted to make a difference...to ACT in a way that could change someone's life. Dreams realized...now THAT is a perk.

Milestones

2009-10-28T00:20:00.002-04:00

Today marks my 45th blog entry. It has been quite a journey to this point and I feel, in many ways, that I am just getting started. I am starting on my second week at my new job. I have accepted the financial changes and brainstormed ways to supplement my income. I worked on a financial plan with my mom and while I lamented needing help from her at 31, I have accepted it. As soon as I did, goodness came flooding in. Last week, I cried despite rejoining the work force because I didn't think it was what I spent so much energy praying for. This week, I cried because I know that my new path is one that will exceed my highest expectations.

The transformation started with a conversation I had on Saturday. I was at a friend's birthday party when the person next to me asked how I knew the guest of honor. I said we used to work together. She responded with, "So you're a lawyer too?" I said yes and paused. Then, I tried on my new job for size. I said, "I don't really practice anymore. I work at an NPO now as an advocate for survivors of domestic violence." She paused and then flashed me a huge smile and even clapped her hands. "I think that's awesome. Good for you!!"

In all my years as a lawyer, I have never gotten a reaction like that. People would say, "That's nice." or "Do you like it?" If they were also lawyers, they sometimes asked, "What type of law?" and when I replied, they nodded and that topic of conversation kind of died. So, back to the dinner. After the "awesome" comment, the person across from me started talking about her work with abused children. She noted that the work was trying and emotional but that she was happy. She wished me the same as I settle into my job. I took that gift and reflected on it. Sure I could stand to make more money but am I happy with this new job? Yes. Milestone #1.

Monday at work, I talked to my supervisor about work we could do as outreach in the community. To give me some ideas of things we did in the past, she told me about a workshop they did to teach a form of therapy that people could do on their own. What form of therapy, you ask? WRITING!!! Yep! A writing workshop. There it was clear as day, a way to incorporate my passion for writing with my new job. I didn't see how that was going to work when I was chasing the actual writing job I talked about a few posts back. Milestone #2.

Last night, I met an attorney who talked to me about keeping my licence and things I could do to supplement my income and still give my heart to my work, while incorporating my passion for the law. Thanks to my supervisor, we are having breakfast on Friday. Milestone #3.

In just a few short days of work, I have been in a local high school helping teach students how to be effective allies to their friends who may be victims of domestic violence/sexual assault and providing them with resources if they are victims. I have been to a community activist meeting and met the executive board. I have attended seminars aimed at creating ways to free the world from the bonds of racism, sexism, and hate based violence. I have witnessed people help women in need of solutions to move on in life. It has been busy and at times overwhelming but I can honestly say (especially after talking to a few friends at my old firm) that I am happy that things happened the way they did. Milestone #4.

It's only up from here. It's not what I expected but I think it might be just what I needed. Some...ok, most things are way more important than money and happiness is chief among them. I have been fortunate enough to feed a baby elephant, ride on the back of its big brother, go on safari, see a sunset in Hawaii, Turks & Caicos and San Francisco. I had a great wedding and have an even better marriage (maybe I'm biased). Don't get me wrong. It hasn't been all roses. In my life, I have lived through the misery that the women and children I now work for are living. I have been depressed, afraid, angry and uncertain. I have been jobless and at times, pretty destitute. But with all of that, I am still standing. I survived. In the next chapter, I plan to thrive.

Acceptance and Faith

2009-10-18T14:46:00.004-04:00

So...it has been a while and a lot has happened. I did not get either of the jobs that I was so confident about. I did however get a job. That's right. I am finally gainfully employed. After 10 months and a few weeks of making job searching my full time job, I finally have a job that pays, albeit not much. I am employed by a non-profit organization catering to abused women and children. I am not employed as an attorney but rather as an advocate. I am nervous about working in a new arena and more terrified about living on an eighth of my former salary BUT I am excited about seeing my life come full circle. I should explain...

Several years ago, when I was writing my admissions essay for law school, I had to answer the question: "Why do you want to go to law school?" It was easy for me to answer. I wanted to be a resource for abused women and children. I wanted to put abusers and rapists behind bars. I wanted to be a positive force in the lives of people who had been beaten down both physically and mentally. I wanted all of this because for a while in my childhood, I was a victim and in the midst of pressing charges, I realized that the laws and those advocating had a long way to go before they truly provided justice.

I went to law school. I tried my hand at this type of law and quickly learned that in family court, no one really wins. In abuse and rape cases, juries, judges and sometimes victims are jaded and defendants are usually let off with a slap on the wrist. After a clinic, I decided I didn't want to spend my career hovering between tears and anger so I went for the job with no emotion and a big paycheck. In that job, I quickly realized that I had traded empathy for hazing. I was still under stress but this time, it was based on wanting to please a boss that refused to be pleased. I still cried but it wasn't because I was feeling for a rape victim. It was because I got yelled at after spending all night writing a brief and improperly writing a citation. Then I lost my job and traded that stress for a new brand, which you have read about on this blog.

So, if I take a step back from my fears, I can see that God has put me in the place where I should have been years ago. Perhaps, I was supposed to push through my fears back when I first started working with abused women and children. I didn't so now I am not in a position to be a domestic violence/rape/child abuse attorney...but I will be in a position to learn once I start working. It is interesting how life comes full circle. I am grateful for a bigger plan and look forward to starting a new life. I will, of course, share the journey.

Baby Eagles

2009-10-05T01:07:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted in a while...I needed a break. To be honest, I wasn't in a place where I was capable of encouraging myself and I didn't want to memorialize my negative thoughts in writing. After a little time and distance (and a fun getaway with hubby and some friends), I'm ok and back in the game. After all of that, I guess I don't have to say that I am still not employed. I mentioned in my last post that I didn't get the job that I had dubbed "perfect for me." I haven't directly heard from the second job but I heard through the grapevine (through the friend that referred me) that I am on the B-list. In other words, they are moving forward with their top choices and if the ultimate supervisor doesn't like those choices, they may call me back. I went for my callback interview for the third job on Friday. If I make it to the next round, there are at least two more rounds, so there will be no certainty there for quite a while. if I get that job, it will mean the end of me using my law degree...at least for the near future. The job pays next to nothing in a New York market BUT I think it will offer me a lot of personal fulfillment. It's all pretty frustrating and I don't know what I am supposed to learn from all of this. Trust me, I have tons of questions for God...but I am putting them on hold because I don't even know if this third job will work out. I want to ask why I went through law school if I am meant to end up in a job where I don't need the degree or why I got married and built a life based on my previous income when it was just going to be taken away. The reality is that this job might not be in the plan either. So, where does that leave me? It leaves me right here. I got so high on my expectations last time that the door closing in my face left me completely stunned. This time, I am still trusting that there IS a plan. It may not be MY plan but I am trusting that it is all going to work out as it should. I am still exploring other ways to create income.

I heard a sermon today that included a lesson about baby eagles and how they learn to fly. At some point, the mother eagle clamps on to the baby and flies off with it. The baby is there clamped securely in its mother's talons enjoying the breeze when all of a sudden, the mother drops the baby. The baby freefalls towards the earth and the mother catches it right before it hits the ground. The baby is saved and goes back to soaring with the assistance of its mother's wings. Then the process starts again. Eventually, the baby gets the hint and starts to flap its wings. God does the same thing to us. When he wants us to grow, he takes us from a place where we are safe and secure and drops us into a place of uncertainty. Eventually, we learn to fly. Right now, I am in a freefall. I'm flapping my wings and for the moment, my effort is stopping me from crashing into the ground BUT I haven't yet started to soar.

Updates and Flashbacks

2009-09-22T16:00:00.002-04:00

Well, I got word today that I didn't get my first choice out of the jobs I interviewed for last week. Their policy is not to give explanations for their hiring decisions. I am truly disappointed. I was certain it was perfect for me. I would be getting paid to write for goodness sake. I would be on a fixed schedule and I would be at a company that prides itself on charity. In my head, I was already visualizing how my first day at work would go. As you can imagine, it feels a little like the wind has been let out of my sails but I will be ok. In situations like this, my only options are to let my boat sit still or start to paddle. I got online and looked at more job listings today so the oar is in my hand but my spirit isn't in it. I think I may just sit still and drift with the current for a minute. I have said it a million times, "Sometimes, God's plans are not the same as our own." Today, I am taking that in and holding it close. I am also hoping that there is something out there for me even more perfect than I could imagine.

Abrupt Endings

2009-09-21T15:25:00.002-04:00

Last week, hubby and I got terrible news that our friends lost their 11-month old son. Even though I believe that God has a reason for everything, it is hard to accept the loss of such a young life. He was the first child for his parents and back in July, hubby and I were at his paternal grandmother's funeral. She also lost her life much too soon. Such tragic events are hard to stomach but for me they put things in perspective. Nothing that I am going through is nearly as bad. That family is going through so much and they are the picture of grace. I am sure there are private moments of heartache but they are still trusting in God. I take strength and courage from that. Things break us but we can always be pieced back together, often with lessons and stories that make us stronger, braver and a light to others who cross our paths.

"Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." -Author Unknown

What a Week!

2009-09-21T15:00:00.002-04:00

I don't have much in the way of updates but my oh my, what a week. I had three interviews last week. All are for very different jobs. None are in a law firm and all three are jobs that I think would bring me fulfillment, albeit in different ways. As I interviewed for each position, I was myself. I have never been so comfortable while talking about my greatest weaknesses, how I work in teams or how I would handle a variety of situations. Two of the interviews were panel style (me and multiple interviewers) and one was 3 one-on-one interviews in a row. I spent hours at each potential employer. At the end of my last interview, I had never been so tired of talking about myself. My throat was a little sore and when I went to sleep, I dreamed about...what else??? INTERVIEWING! That said, it was a great week. I am so grateful to have had these three opportunities and after months of silence in response to my resume submissions, I am really hopeful that something is going to shake out for me. I know which job I want the most and I am holding it close to my heart. It would allow me to write for a living AND it would allow me extra time to write because of the predictable schedule. Its like I prayed for an opportunity that would be right for me and God sent it to me with a big red bow. I know our plans and God's plans sometimes differ but I am hoping that I will be able to claim this gift as my own.

When it Rains...

2009-09-11T18:11:00.009-04:00

It really, truly pours. Blessings are raining down on me in a wonderful way this week. I went from having no responses to my resume submissions to having 2 interviews last week. This week I got word that I am being called back to meet with more people for both jobs. I have a great feeling about both and these positive changes are serving as reminders of what I have always believed. Faith gets you through. Normally, I would be freaking out a little. I would be tirelessly preparing myself to impress people to get a job that I don't really want. I would be putting on my corporate face and hoping that I seemed impressive. After these last few months, I have learned that I am made of strong stuff. I don't have to settle for jobs that I will hate and I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not. I am a much better me than anyone else. I go into interviews differently now. I am more confident than nervous. I still prepare for the interview but in that office, sitting across someone who has the power to employ me, I am just me. I am armed with faith and I am being honest when I say, I want this job.

“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” -Patrick Overton

I was on the edge of darkness when I lost my job earlier this year. Actually, I was on the edge of darkness well before that. I sold my happiness for the price of my salary. When I first lost my job, I used to say (through the tears) that I knew all of it was for a reason and that I would be happy in the end. I never really took a leap into the darkness. I was clearly pushed (hard) but somehow, I never hit bottom. I sprouted wings and I am slowly gliding to solid ground. Some may say that I should stop celebrating. I don't have an offer yet. That's true but that is what having a positive attitude is all about. I am already claiming one of those jobs. I have been close before but for whatever reason, things didn't feel right. I wrote law firm names on my vision board. I cluttered my prayers with partner names and potential titles. In my gut, I knew none of those positions were right. I just wanted a job and a paycheck. The jobs I am trying to get now will allow me to write becuase the hours are better and I think I will actually be happy going to work everyday.

“I have had prayers answered - most strangely so sometimes - but I think our heavenly Father's loving-kindness has been even more evident in what He has refused me.” -Lewis Carroll

This time, it's different. I feel like I am supposed to work at one of these places. I know I don't have a firm offer from either job yet BUT I am filled with expectation. I am thinking positively and I truly feel that everything I have been through has been for a reason. Next week, I'll let you know how the call back interviews went.

Recommended Viewing

2009-09-08T01:50:00.003-04:00

Tonight, I watched The Last Truck: The Closing of a GM Plant on HBO. I wish I had seen it months ago. It would have helped me put things in perspective. On one hand, I identified with the feeling of loss experienced by the workers being let go from their jobs. They grieved over their loss and over the uncertainty of what was ahead. Many of them cried about facing the possibility of reinventing themselves at mid-life. I related to that grief. I felt their stress over not knowing what tomorrow held. On the other hand, I took a step back and was able to take stock of all of the positive points to having lost my job. I am not at mid-life. I can reinvent myself, start a new career and still have plenty of working years to re-build my savings/retirement fund. I went to school to be a lawyer and though large NYC firms seem to think I am invisible, there is a whole other world outside of those firms-a world that is bound to be happier-and I am going to be part of it once I find a new job. As I get ready for this week and all of the news that it will hold with respect to the jobs that I interviewed for last week, I continue to be hopeful, thankful and joyful about becoming a new me. There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think today (9 months after I was let go and 6 months after my last day in the office), I can finally, truly say that I am on acceptance. I have accepted the loss of one job and I have made room for another. It does help that every time I start to lose faith or stress about money, God sends someone or something to shake me up a little and push me back down the road. The message is loud and clear: CONTINUE THE JOURNEY! Last week, it was a crying friend frustrated with large law firm life telling me to be glad I'm gone. Earlier today, it was a friend reminding me that faith is all I need and that fear is just false evidence appearing real. Tonight, it was The Last Truck. Watch the documentary if you can. Even if it doesn't give you perspective, it may let you know that you aren't alone (if you are faced with job loss). If you are happy with where you are, it will remind you to thank God. For more information about the movie, check out their facebook page or their page on the HBO website.

What's Mine is Mine!

2009-09-06T23:30:00.003-04:00

Unfortunately, this week I was faced with a friend that may not have my best interest at heart. Whether her behavior is motivated by self interest or something all together different, it may result in a setback for me. I'll be honest with you, it threw me off and I had a moment. I talked to my best friend and hubby about it. I read into things so I bounced my ideas off of them to see if I was on to something or totally off base. Both agreed that something didn't smell quite right. I let my negative thoughts get the best of me and proceeded to work myself up wondering what would happen and how it could have been different. When I was just about to surrender myself to a lost opportunity, I forced myself to pause at the risk of ruining my own weekend. As I tried to find a sense of calm, I remembered a saying: "What is meant for me is mine."

If you believe that to be true, then you know there is NOTHING anyone can do to separate you from an opportunity. God has a plan for each of us and sometimes, that differs from our own plans. In the same way, if something is meant to work out for us, no amount of interference by others will result in the loss of the opportunity. As long as I do all that I can do on my end, there is no need to stress. I will be where I am supposed to be-where I am really happy-no matter what. If God is for me, who cares who is against me? Bring it on, I'm still going to succeed...and I mean that in the nicest of ways.

Marathons

2009-09-03T21:02:00.002-04:00

I am learning that life is about marathons. I am not a runner but I know that when running such a long race you do it in a way that will conserve energy until needed. You train and plan and when the starting shot fires, you run to win. Sometimes, that means that people will seem to pass you by and sometimes it means you will lead the pack. In going through this process of self discovery, I have come to see my starting shot as the loss of my job. The deafening sound of my office door closing on my last day forced me to move forward. I have been running for months now and though I don't know what lies around every curve in the road, but to find out, I know I have to keep moving. Some days that means working on myself (writing, job hunting, meditating, praying). Other days, it means working on others (volunteering). So far, just moving forward is helping. I haven't found a job, but I have interviewed for a couple of opportunities after months of silence in response to my resume submissions. I am throwing myself into my volunteer work and taking time to be thankful for where I am. Instead of focusing on the fact that I'm still not gainfully employed or that I haven't heard back from the publishers I contacted, I am focusing on being happy about what I do have and reveling in the support of those who love and encourage me. In doing this, the negative feelings surrounding my joblessness have gotten fuzzy and out of reach. I am staying positive and I really feel that something is going to shake out for me very soon. Either opportunity would be great for me. Both are for jobs that I REALLY want and feel would be good for my development. I have only done screening interviews at this point but the optimist in me is shouting "KEEP RUNNING! You're almost there." As it turns out, I won't have to choose between a job I'd likely hate and one that I would likely love based on financial concerns. I haven't been presented with anything that I would hate. God has a funny way of working things out. I can't see the finish line yet, but I feel like I am in the home stretch. I know I will finish this race on top and start another one with better perspective about what is important. I hate to quote one of Aesop's fables but sometimes, slow and steady really does win the race.

Celebration!

2009-08-24T22:40:00.009-04:00

Yesterday was my 31st birthday. As you all know, hubby and I have been saving money so I expected breakfast in bed or dinner out at a nice but reasonably priced restaurant. I got up (after lingering in bed for a while), took a shower and planned to hop online to find good restaurants close to home. When I got out of the shower, I saw a birthday card propped up against my cat (who was surprisingly cooperative in not shredding it to pieces). I smiled, gave hubby a kiss and picked up the card. I took it downstairs with me and sat it on the couch while I booted up my computer. After clicking the button to log onto the internet, I opened the card. It was filled with the sweet sentiments and cute line drawings I have come to expect from him. Something new was written in the corners of each page of the tri-folded card though: "But wait...there's more!" It beckoned me like an infomercial to keep reading and then, under the corner of the decorative paper inside of the card, I found 2 tickets for In The Heights! I screamed. Literally. I saw a special on this show before it opened and knew I had to see it. I have been talking about it for over a year but it was hard to get tickets after it won the Tony. The closest I got was when my old firm took our summer associates (law students working (and getting wined and dined) for the firm as interns) to the show last year. I was on my honeymoon so I missed it (not that I would trade that situation). Anyway, I was finally holding the tickets in my hands and we were going to see the show.
We got dressed, headed to church, came home, changed and headed to midtown Manhattan. We had dinner at a place we used to go to when we first started dating. After dinner with a whopping side of nostalgia and a couple of potent cocktails, we headed to the show. As we sat there waiting for the lights to dim, an usher approached hubby who must have looked uncomfortable in the close together seating and asked if he wanted to move to another seat. "Sure," he said and we followed the usher to BOX SEATS RIGHT BY THE STAGE. Seriously, we were practically on the stage!!!! I loved every moment of the performance. For a synopsis check this site: It touched me, it inspired me, it made me dance in my seat. If you can see it, go! Ok...I think you get the picture. After the show, we met friends for a drink and then headed home. Hubby was in the driver's seat and I was somewhere on a cloud...ok, that's cheesy...somewhere in a heightened state of happiness? No? Well, you get my point. I started the day being truly thankful for all that I have. I was sitting in church in full acceptance of where I am and finally appreciative of all of it...I was in the same place last week and just like that, my life started to change. I don't have a job yet but I know the right one is coming. I may have a solution to my townhouse issue because of the love and generosity of my mom. I have a new computer and can do much more writing. I saw a dream fulfilled on my birthday. I am in a zone of appreciation for all that I have been given in this life. As I go through my 31st year (and every year that I am granted after that), I will try to be in this place as much as possible. It is only when you are thankful for what you have that you will be trusted with more!! It's not profound but it IS true!

Think Happy Stuff

2009-08-22T19:12:00.004-04:00

So...I'm turning 31 tomorrow. How was 30? Well, I could say it was a year of a torn achilles, multiple computer crashes, a health relapse and a lost job BUT, it was also the year I got married, was the healthiest I've been in 3 years, and found out that there are more important things in life than a big paycheck. I lived through a lot in my 30th year and some of it will carry over into my 31st but I will say that I am better for all of it. Life is all about how you look at things. All considered, 30 was pretty great and I am looking forward to finding out what this next year has in store now that I know myself a lot better. At the end of the day, its all about how you think about things. I got a great gift in the mail today that sums it up wonderfully. Its a coffee mug from Think Happy Stuff, Inc. and it says "Change your thinking, change your world." First, THANKS RR!!! Second, who knew there was a company out there focused on happy thoughts! I never would have known if I hadn't gone through all of this. Sadly, I would be trudging forward on my old path and falling deeper into misery. At the end of last year, if someone had told me to think happy thoughts when I was in the midst of work-induced hell, I would have told them to bite me. In starting my new journey, I have learned a lot about how happy thoughts can change your outlook and your situation. I have nothing to do with Think Happy Stuff, Inc. but I feel like people should spread the word about them. Visit their site and buy some products(they donate a percentage of their proceeds to non-profits "who are committed to lots of really good stuff"). Good thoughts really do change your world and makes you appreciate all that you have even more. Life brings storms but when the dust settles, you realize that things aren't as bad as they could be and there really is a lot of happy stuff to focus on.

-This post was made possible through the generosity of my Mom (thanks for the new laptop!!!) and her loving friend (thanks for introducing me to Happy Stuff RR!!).

Overdue Explanation

2009-08-20T00:43:00.002-04:00

I have been asked to explain the name of my blog quite a few times since starting it. Before butterflies are fully matured, they are caterpillars. They mature and grow a tremendous amount. Despite this growth, they are still not fully formed. To achieve their full potential, they have to go through a resting stage in a cocoon. When they are ready, they emerge in their full glory. So, this blog is a journal of my resting stage. I grew to a point and then circumstance changed the direction of my journey. Now, as I try to figure out my next steps and my place in this world, I am in life's cocoon. I am bound by my circumstances but I am changing inside and out. All of the drama is working together to turn me into a new, brighter individual.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. ~Richard Bach

Divine Plans

2009-08-19T15:31:00.002-04:00

Accepting the reality that our plan and God's plan are not always the same is a jagged little pill. We pray to whatever God we worship or ask the Universe (if you are a believer in The Secret) for the things that we think will make our lives great and wait for divine favor to work for us. A published book, a new job, a comfortable place to live, financial security...all of them have been part of my prayers throughout my life and given my current circumstances, this stuff of life is all I can focus on as of late. Then, on Sunday, I went to church and the message was about being able to accept that our idea of a good life is not always the same as God's idea. I often think it should be that easy. Pray for the desires of your heart and you shall see them come to pass. Then I remember that many great spiritual teachers were poor, homeless and often engaged in an extended fast. Reality sets in. God doesn't care about my townhouse the way I do.

I pout and I wonder why it can't always be easy. Sometimes, I feel like a trust fund or a lottery win would make things all better...or at least a lot less stressful. You can substitute your desire for the money in the previous sentence based on your circumstances. The point is that we have all thought that things would be better if I had...If it was as easy as praying with faith, we would all have what we wanted. But would we be better? Though I cringe to say it, I think not. If our desires were only a genie bottle like request away, we would never grow. We would be content in our existence until we hit a road block. Rather than putting forth the effort to get around the road block, we would just rub our metaphorical genie bottles and change our circumstances. Block in the road? Here's a new road. Your wish is my command. I mean no offense to The Secret and its "Your Wish Is My Command" philosophy but I don't see how life can be all straight roads and happily ever afters. Proponents of positive thinking would call me an unbeliever and tell me that my doubts are why I am still struggling. I say to heck with that. I do believe that good things will come to me if I remain positive and put out good energy. I also believe, however, that everything I want out of life might not be what I am meant to have. Maybe real growth or true spirituality stems from accepting that and being greatful anyway. Sure, I don't have a job despite hundreds of resume submissions, numerous recruiter meetings and countless hours of prayer. I don't have the money to buy and renovate my townhouse. I have an incurable illness. I haven't heard back from any of the publishers or agents that I contacted...BUT, I made it through 30 years of life. I had a job that I hated but taught me a lot about standing up for myself and taking control of my career. I wanted to be a lawyer from the time I was 8 years old and I became one. I met and married a wonderful man despite years of throwing fish back into the ocean. I have what I am convinced is the best family around. I love my friends and they support me even when I might not deserve it. I was in remission and though I am not anymore, I am on medication and it seems to be working. I have a cat that still likes to cuddle up next to me after 11 years. I have the chance to re-start my life at 30. I will be 31 next week and I am greatful that I have had this time out to work on being me.

Yes, I am still struggling to figure out what life had in store for me. But, I would imagine that achievement without struggle or effort can feel hollow. I say I imagine because I have never gotten to the next rung on life's ladder without some serious effort and often, some serious waiting (save for gifts given on special occasiions).
Things are not perfect. In fact, parts of my life have totally crumbled but sometimes, things crumble around us so we can pick up the good and salvegable pieces and re-build. Someone pass me a hammer and nails.

Behind Door # 1

2009-08-12T02:39:00.000-04:00

As you know, I started volunteering a little over a week ago. In that time, I have noticed that the doors of many of the offices at the agency I'm working for are decorated with small sachet-like door hangers that say things like "Peace," "Love" and "Joy." It got me to thinking. What if it was that easy to find one of those emotions. Feeling stressed? Choose the door that says "Peace" and go inside. Sad? Don't worry. Joy is just behind the door at the end of the hall. Unfortunately, life isn't quite that easy BUT perhaps, we can accomplish the same results within ourselves. Arm yourself with positive thoughts that you can go to in any situation. Find solace in a friend. Pray. Count to 10. Take a deep breath. Scream. Check you aggravation at the front door of your house and find joy in the loved ones (or silence) just over the threshold. Do whatever you need to do to get past the emotion that's troubling you. At the end of your life, the time you spent seeking peace will be worth much more to you than the time spent mired in negative energy.

Rainy Season

2009-08-04T02:27:00.000-04:00

Last week, I finally fulfilled a promise to myself and started volunteering during my unemployment. I applied at a couple of places but, like most jobs I applied for, I never heard back from anyone. Last week, I finally heard from an agency that assists abused women and children. I went in for an interview on Thursday and I started on Friday. I'm just doing office work at the moment but I feel good about helping others and getting outside of my thoughts. Its also nice to see people working in jobs that they are passionate about. Don't get me wrong. There are still office politics and people still disagree on administrative things but everyone seems passionate about the common goal. Its a nice contrast to my last workplace where the only thing most of my colleagues were working towards was their own success.

My new position also comes complete with new kid novelty. I'm something different so people like to talk to me. Two have offered to give my resume to people they know and one likes to talk about why I became a lawyer in the first place. It is working to give me some perspective on the law and working in a firm. It comes at a perfect time because last week also led me into a meeting with a recruiter that is confident that he can place me at a firm. He, of course, said I should have found him months ago and he would have placed me right away. Now, his obstacle is that I've been out of work for a few months. He's still pumped and ready to get me a job and get himself a hefty commission. His confidence is refreshing after months of hearing, "Oh, you went to Pace. That's...well...I'll see what I can do." At the same time, I'm afraid. If I get an offer from a large firm, I'll jump at it. Let's be honest, I need the money. I also feel like everything happens for a reason. I talked to my best friend and she noted that my declaration that I would take another large firm job despite my fear of jumping back into the 7th circle of Hell (ok...maybe I'm exagerating a tad) is me putting a price on my happiness.

In a way, I agree but why is there such a negative connotation to that? I mean, of course, in an ideal world, money wouldn't be an issue and we could all say that we choose happiness over long hours worked in pursuit of someone else's bottom line. But, does happiness have to be the enemy of the paycheck? I am not exactly passionate about corporate law BUT I am miserable about not working and consequently, not earning. Also, I don't know that a new firm will be totally miserable because it will be a whole new set of people.

All that's not uncertain at the moment is my desire to buy my current townhouse, having and raising kids in a financially stable environment, starting a scholarship fund for underprivileged high schoolers, and traveling. I want to write books and focus on philanthropy. Clearly, I have big dreams. They are not impossible...indeed, they are common, but New York State unemployment is not going to fund any of it. So folks, assuming that Mr. Aggressive Recruiter drops a job in my lap, I'll be jumping back into firm life. Everything has a season and a purpose. I've been struggling over the past few months but I've been keeping track of the lessons I've learned. I am not as wasteful. I am mindful of the difference between what I need and what I want and I am a lot more comfortable with putting my foot down when it comes to protecting my own needs. If this is my season to focus on earning money so I can get closer to my dreams, then I'll call it a rainy season and try to distract myself from the gray skies by maintaining a sunny disposition. From this moment, no matter where I land, I'm not saving for a rainy day, I'm saving for a sun-filled life.

All that said, I still don't know what's coming. I don't have any offers yet. The difference between now and last week is that if I'm led to a firm job, I'm convinced it's where I'm supposed to be for now. I'm not selling my happiness to the highest bidder. I'm buying my peace of mind with the work that I'll do. Having suffered through these jobless months, I can confidently say, its worth every minute. Of course, that lottery win everyone dreams about would be really nice too.

Crossroads

2009-07-27T03:45:00.000-04:00

I am at a crossroads...well, kind of. Let me explain. After lots of time with no opportunities, I now have a few. Some are of my own creation. Some are more practical. None are absolutely certain (hence, the "kind of"). I applied to replace a friend of mine in a job he is leaving. After months of hearing "its all about who you know," I am finally in a position where I know someone on the inside and because of his reference, people are excited to meet me. Then, on Friday, I heard from a partner I used to work for. He talked with a recruiter who, like most recruiters, says he has lots of opportunities. The difference is that he has been given a briefing on me by a well respected senior partner. Ironically, I've dealt with this recruiter before but it was over a year ago when I wasn't thinking of finding a new job. I'm thinking its no accident that he has been steered back in my direction. Then, there is the stuff I am working on with regards to writing. I've started submitting to potential publishers. I've done extensive research and I've even started working on a marketing plan. In short, I'm deeply invested in the book deal process. So, what do I do? Do I go for the lower paying job that I will probably like more or the higher paying job that has the chance of spinning me back down into the corporate misery that I felt before? Was my firm experience unique or will it be the same roller coaster, different park? Where does my book fall in all of this? Will I have time for it or will I sweep my creative passions back under the rug for the pursuit of a paycheck? More importantly, if I sacrifice my passions for money, what was the point of this so-called cathartic period? I'm certainly going to interview for all that comes my way but if I'm honest, I want one thing (job fulfillment) and need another (money). I wonder if I can find both in one place. Today, someone said, "Don't be afraid of failure. Be afraid of success at the wrong thing." I am a chooser of stability but a lover of writing (among other creative pursuits). How am I going to make all of this work? I have already had success at the wrong thing. Maybe there is something to be said for taking the risk of failure at the right thing. Maybe the point of this was to take me through a time where I cultivated my creative talents to a point where they will forever be at the forefront...despite where my regular paycheck is coming from. I think I'll take a step back until I actually have some job offers to contend with. Right now, I'm at the crossroads alone, but I can make out a couple of opportune shadows just past the horizon. That's usually enough for me to start trying to figure out what to do if...and when. Oh, how I'm hoping for the WHEN!!!

Choosing Happiness

2009-07-19T23:26:00.000-04:00

I woke up today with a smile on my face. My husband (who is always up hours before I am) was in his office working. I walked into the office still smiling and gave him a bear hug. His response was not "Good Morning,dear." It was "What are you so happy about?" I told him I didn't need a reason other than being alive. He smirked and said "You were alive yesterday, babe." That was his way of saying that I had woken up in a sour mood for many days (ok, weeks) in a row with few exceptions. I was either annoyed with the lawnmower interrupting my sleep, the tiny, bickering dogs beneath my bedroom window, or my cat firmly pressing her nose to mine in an effort to say, "Mom, I'm hungry!!! Get your lazy bones out of bed already!" It always seems to be something, which over the years has led many (myself included) to say that I am not a morning person. What it really means is that I, for years, have let the little things distract me from what's most important. Hello, my name is Nicole, and I often sweat the small stuff. Let's be serious, most of the annoying things in life are, in the grand scheme of things, small stuff. The rude person that bumped you out of the way in their effort to get on the subway before you, the screaming toddlers running through the grocery store pulling things off of shelves and throwing them at each other while their parents ignore the chaos and keep shopping, the taxi driver behind you that lays on his horn and yells out the window for you to go a full 30 seconds before the light turns green...even the co-worker who stabs you in the back to get ahead...all equally small. I guarantee that they won't get a moment's thought at the end of your life. I have spent years giving those people (or the stupid things like broken nails and lack of leg room on airplanes) the power to alter my mood. There is a silver lining though. I have been more mindful of that lately. I have been reading a lot of self help books and the common thread in all of them is the suggestion that you start the day by giving thanks. I have started to do my thank you's using my thank you beads (or sometimes just doing them in my head) before getting out of bed. I have found that it sheds a totally different light on my day. I wake up smiling despite worries because I am faithful that everything is going to be fine. It might not be my current definition of fine and it may not happen when or how I want it but, I will walk away from this transition period stronger and with quite a few lessons learned. I'm not saying I'll be a robot. I am sure I will get annoyed sometimes and sad about setbacks. But I can choose to be happy most of the time. Choice is a powerful tool. I'll be a better person because I am choosing to be grateful for what I have rather than freaking out about things I can't control. If that's not a reason to smile, I don't know what is.

Legacy

2009-07-15T05:36:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, I ended last week by attending a funeral. My husband's friend lost his mother. As I sat there listening to all that she accomplished in her life, I began to think of what really matters. People remembered her unpaid service to others, her easy laughter and her positive attitude. It made me realize that I have spent a lot of time over the course of my life worrying about what people think and other things I can't control. I rarely give thought to what I want to be remembered for. What is it about me that outside forces can't control or influence? What stands out despite my law degree, my big fancy job or my quaint townhouse? Now that all of those things (save my law degree) have been or might be stripped away, who am I?

I think we all theoretically want to make a difference in the world. Yet, we spend a lot of time focused on the pursuit of the paycheck and worried about what our boss, our neighbor, the cashier at our grocery store, our doctor, and so on think of us. Most of us tailor what we say or how we express our feelings based on what people will think of us. Its only our true essence that will be a treasured legacy for those who survive us. The freedom of our belly laughs, the meals prepared and occasionally burnt, the willingness to admit and comeback from failures, the real love we gave. It will not be in the stylishly appointed outfit or the biting your tongue to spare another's feelings while trampling on your own. At the end of your life, it will not be about the people who thought you were a little uncouth. It will be about those who loved you most and their appreciation for knowing someone who lived in free pursuit of their best life. That's the real difference we make in the world. Its what we remember most about those we love and what they will remember about us.

Battlefield

2009-07-06T04:18:00.000-04:00

My favorite song as of late is Battlefield by Jordin Sparks. The song is about love always feeling like a battlefield and the line "Get your armor" is repeated throughout the song. The reason I love this song is not for the reasons that you may think. My marriage isn't on the rocks. If anything, its less like a battlefield and more like a big open field of wildflowers straight out of some cheesy dream sequence from a movie. Inside our little world, things are peaceful, warm, funny, tender and supportive most of the time. Yet, there I am every time I hear that song on the radio singing at the top of my lungs telling myself (and everyone in earshot) to "Get your armor!!" I was singing just that on my way home from a pre-4th of July party at a friend's house this weekend when I felt a lump in my throat. At first, I was confused. I was having a great weekend. My husband was away for work but I had spent some quality time with friends and escaped my jobless reality for a while. For me, that is usually enough to be in a good mental space for a while. As tears welled up in my eyes, I realized that I love the song because its a battle cry for survival. In writing, praying, planning and searching for my next opportunity, I am strapping on my battle gear and pushing myself to fight for my comeback. Satisfied that I had sorted through my emotions, I pulled my car into the driveway and headed into the house to relax. I spent the day hanging out with Storm (my cat), watching TV and doing some clean-up on my book. Honestly, I didn't give much more thought to the battlefield epiphany because its been a continuing theme since I lost my job. I'm always giving myself a pep talk about pushing forward towards my new life. Then today, after watching hours of coverage on Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Steve McNair, I needed a break from death and media scrutiny so I started flipping the channels. I came across a show called I Survived on the Biography channel. It is about people who have faced everything from brutal stabbings to animal attacks and lived to tell the story. Whether they had to play dead or literally fight, they all lived to tell the story. The message in each of their stories is the same: Its your life. If you want it, fight for it. It was the same message from the song I had been belting out in the car. In life, we're all going to find ourselves on a battlefield at one point or another. You can either lay down and be defeated or get your armor. At least at the end of the battle, even if it doesn't turn out how you'd hoped, you can look in the mirror and see a warrior with a story rather than a victim hanging her head in defeat. I hear chainmail is the new black. Get your armor!

Ostrich No More

2009-06-23T22:08:00.000-04:00

I am uplifted and renewed this week. After a week of stress and insomnia, I am finally back on a semi-regular sleep schedule and thanks to the kindness of my mom, I finally spent some time worrying more about being happy than about making money (Mostest, mom!). Before my mom waved her magic mommy wand and sprinkled love and generosity into my life, I had spent a lot of time over the last few weeks wallowing in my own issues. Her love and pep talks taught me that I need to step outside of myself. Sure, there is a lot going on in my life BUT there is a lot going on in everyone’s life. I can’t let my worries become so big that they take me away from the things that really matter. I have been neglecting the people that matter to me the most. Because of that I forgot my best friend’s birthday and my Dad and his wife’s anniversary. I had been feeling pretty guilty but I realized that the guilt just plays into my issue. By wallowing in my guilt, I am still only spending time paying attention to my own feelings. I am making a resolution to be better about stepping outside of my own sadness. I decided that my time is better spent focusing on the happy things in my life: friendship, family, faith. There are so many people who have been praying for me and trying to lift me up during this time. I am on a journey to try to find my new path in life but it doesn’t mean that I have to leave those from my former life behind until I have something positive to report. They can hear the bad just like they can hear the good…and alternatively, I should be available to hear the bad and good in their lives. They will support me no matter what and I know how lucky I am to have people like that in my life. They (unlike me) haven’t turned into themselves despite the hardships they are all suffering. I should be just as good a friend/daughter/sister to them. So today, I declare myself ostrich no more. I am pulling my head out of the sand and though my eyes burn a little, I can see things for what they really are. I need to shape up.

Insomnia

2009-06-17T04:07:00.002-04:00

I am laying here with my little family. Storm (my cat) is laying on my belly and periodically trying to push my blackberry out of my hand. My husband is snoring softly beside me. I am awake after 3:00 in the morning for the 4th night in a row. For some reason, I am suffering from insomnia yet again. In the past, my sleep schedule has reversed (I'd sleep all day and be up all night) but this time, I don't seem to be able to sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours in a given 24 hour period. I have been using my time to be productive with respect to my book. I got comments back (thanks MP) and have had to do some heavy editing. Fresh eyes provide great perspective. The rest of my life has fallen to the wayside. I haven't cooked since sometime last week. I need to go grocery shopping and the house is a mess. I have spent time with friends (catching up and celebrating birthdays) but I seem to be off center. Its like I am moving in slow motion yet the days are passing so quickly. I have a goal but I don't know what my next step will be. I don't know how I'll make money while I'm shopping my book. Heck, I don't know how to shop my book. Should I be going back to school instead? Should I find some continuing legal education classes and try to convince people that I'm more than a bankruptcy lawyer? Should I represent people in personal bankruptcies? So many questions and today I feel like I don't have the energy to create the answers or give myself a pep talk. I am still learning to accept that I can't control everything and that the answers aren't always there. All I can do is keep working on making a career out of my passion and hope for peace in the process...and sleep. I am working towards a solid 8 hours of sleep.

Drafts and Doubt

2009-06-08T06:58:00.000-04:00

Last week, I finished the first draft of a book that's been almost three years in the making. I also finished one that I started at the beginning of this year. The proofreading process has started and while I am happy I finished the first drafts, I am being plagued by doubt. She's knocking and ready to move all of her baggage into my de-cluttered world. Finding a way to publish a book in a down economy might be a bigger challenge than finding a job. I'm nervous because I don't know what is waiting around the corner. I have been nervous since I wrote the last chapter of one of the books last week. I even started back applying for legal jobs with more fervor.

Then, after a morning filled with cover letters and resumes, I started going through my books and making edits. The television was on in the background and I was only half listening when I heard someone say "Your purporse in life is to let your hardships be your passion. Use your voice to tell your story." It was reassuring to me because in trying to write my first non-fiction book, more often than not, I have asked "Who cares?" Hearing that quote reassured me about what made me write the book in the first place. Someone shares my story and reading my story may help them or help them better relate to a loved one. Later, at the end of the same newscast, there was a story about an increase in book sales. Of course, it was more about fiction and how people need an escape, but it made me smile towards heaven anyway. It was the pat on the back I needed. The mantra has to be one step at a time and my first step is to get through the proofing process.

A Year In The Life

2009-06-02T16:37:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite musicals of all time is Rent (the stage version). As cheesy as it is, I often think of the song "Seasons of Love" when celebrating anniversaries and birthdays. I know it sounds cheesy but its important to take time to think about how we measure each passing year. My husband and I just celebrated our first year anniversary and a lot has happened within that time. We have lived through each of our vows. Better, worse, sickness, health, richer, poorer...check, check, check, check, check and check. For sure there are more debilitating diseases than lupus and worse things than losing a job. That said, for us, it has been a roller coaster of a year (mostly on my end). Since my last post, I have been to the doctor and I am no longer in remission. I still don't have a job. I am still writing and still focusing on positive thoughts but if I had to look at this year on paper and it was about someone other than me, I might view it as pretty tragic. Since it is me, however, I can step back and take stock of what has happened. I am not in remission but I found a great doctor and a really good medication that I am hoping will work just as well the second time around. I don't have a job but I am not stuck working for people I don't like in a job that I am not passionate about. I have a partner that supports me when I break down and makes every effort to pull me close when I try to push him away. So like the song says: "How do you measure a year in the life? How about love?" Our first year of marriage had ups and downs but we still love each other and personally, I love myself a little bit more. I am finding my passion rather than slaving for a paycheck and even though income would be nice, I think my story will be better for all of this. So, even though I'm feeling a little down, I choose not to measure the previous 525,600 minutes by tallying how many minutes/days I felt like crap or in how many tears I cried. Instead, I am keeping count of how many times I laughed so hard that it hurt and how many times I felt loved and appreciated. I measure the huge opportunity I have been given in being forced to start over and find my passion at 30 when I have worked long enough and hard enough to know what I don't want to do but I'm still young enough to not be terrified at spending my retirement money (though living on my savings still makes me pretty uneasy). All in all, it has been a year full of great moments and lots of love. If I focus on that, the other things fall away. Who needs to measure setbacks anyway? It's no way to live. So, measure in love (even if you hate the song)! And if you love the song (or on the very off chance that you have never heard it): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcSDli-Byn8

Thank You Bracelets

2009-05-25T11:41:00.000-04:00

Recently, in going through my clutter, I found 2 beaded bracelets that I got back in law school. I put them on my wrist and kept cleaning. Later, I was hungry (and lazy) and wanted to go out to dinner so badly. I didn't want anything fancy. I just wanted something other than something I had to cook. So my husband and I drove to Five Guys. Its a burger joint. We walked in and I looked at them menu. If we each got burgers, regular fries and a small soda, we would have spent about $20. Knowing I would have felt guilty about that the next day, we walked out. In the car, I started to cry a little. I reconciled myself to cooking at home but as I stood in the kitchen feeling sorry for myself, I decided to re-create the restaraunt appetizer nights we used to enjoy. I made spinach and artichoke dip, stuffed mushrooms and garlic and rosemary french fries (all out of things I had at home). It actually turned out good and gave me a chance to test some recipes. Through the cooking, I cleared my tears and as I worked,I kept noticing those bracelets twisting around on my wrist. Then, I had an idea. I would start to use those bracelets everyday. I would thank God for one thing for each bead on each bracelet. If I can come up with that many things to thank God for (39), then things can't really be that bad...even if a $20 meal has suddenly become a splurge.

Losing Control (again)

2009-05-25T11:39:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been having a recurring dream that someone is trying to break into my house. Last night I dreamed I was getting ready for my wedding and someone was breaking into my hotel room. The circumstances are always different but the robbers are always the same and they are always out to steal something from me no matter who else is around. So, being the research freak that I am, I went online to search for dream symbols. What I found was that these types of dreams represent financial insecurity or feelings of being emotionally or physically drained. If you've been following my blog, you know I've been fighting hard to release all of the feelings of insecurity that came with losing my job and instead focusing on hope for the goodness that is sure to come. Then I had these dreams and a bit of a wake up call.

I went to the doctor Tuesday and after we discussed how I was feeling and the probability that I was no longer in lupus remission, she asked if I was on vacation. I asked why and she said noted that my jeans were a dead giveaway. I couldn't bring myself to say that I didn't have a job anymore so I said I was taking some time off. In that moment, I realized that I have not moved on. I am still insecure about being out of work. I am still scared that at the end of the year when my savings run out that my husband and I will be forced to downgrade as we lose our townhouse. I also realize that I am still struggling with control issues. I can't control my job or my income so I control how clean my kitchen is and what we're eating for dinner. I write because I control the process (at least until I try to publish). I turned away from the legal job hunt (at least through the 10+ headhunters I've used) to control the amount of rejection coming into my life.

So, I've suffered a setback but at least I realize it. Admitting it is the first step, right? I have been spending the last few days sending out more resumes, writing and engaging in armchair philosophy with a great friend. I have concluded that the one thing I can count on is that things will rarely go according to plan and that strength and resilience comes from being able to bend rather than break. Maybe the best way to be prepared for the obstacles in my path is to maintain a sense of hope that I will get around the obstacles and hopefully be better for it. At least I'm finding myself and my true passions in the process. The same is true for the locally famous weatherman who is laid off and is forced to live on less money but is working his dream job as a veternarian and the woman who lost her thriving businesses but now feels empathy for the struggling families at the food bank...and for the former high powered attorney who is now forced to come to terms with how she took things for granted but now gets to focus on her passion for writing rather than he passion for a paycheck. Many of us are at a crossroads but perhaps we're becoming better for it. Nothing can be that bad about losing control when the trade off is becoming more empathetic, more united and more of ourselves. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

Just Like That

2009-05-18T07:16:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning to the sound of my cat making friends with a manicure square. I have no idea if that is what it's really called but that is my name for the block that buffs on one side, shines on the next, files on another side and does something else. You get the point. Anyway, Storm (my cat) was busy pushing the block across the floor, pouncing on it and then licking it like it was her newborn kitten and the noise of it all broke me away from my sleep. 6:02. I rolled on to my side and looked through the small space between my purposely dark, heavy drapery panels (I like to sleep in sometimes and they help block the sunlight) to see that it was no longer dark. As I lay there trying to will myself back to sleep, I started to become aware of a change in my body. First, I noticed that my knee was warm and swollen. Next, I felt pain in my shoulder. Familiar with this pain, I performed my tried and true test and balled my hands into fists. The right hand couldn't quite obey. I got up to go to the bathroom where I could find real light without waking my husband and I saw that 2 of the fingers on my right hand are extremely swollen and tight. The fingertips are almost purple...and there it was. Just like that, life reminded me that I am not quite in control. This swelling and warmth are part of my personal hell. I am reminded this morning that I have lupus. Maybe the symptoms will just visit today and be gone tomorrow. This has happened a few times since I went into remission so maybe its just that. Maybe later today, I will feel fine and I'll be able to bend my fingers to type (which, as you can imagine is pretty critical, since I have started my new journey through life as a writer) but for now as I use my blackberry to type (my thumbs are working just fine...thanks for small favors), I can't help but to think of all the people, including me, who have seen life change in an instant. Just like that, we have to make new plans and exist in new realities. It's almost like the world shifts and shakes to constantly remind us to be flexible. So today, I'll bend a little to the left and keep focused on the one thing that doesn't change: my faith that all of this bending and adapting, adjusting and recovering is for a reason and will all work out for my good in the end. Maybe that's the real key to dealing with all of our issues. Be flexible when life doesn't go how you had hoped and be faithful that whatever trial you're experiencing is for your higher good.

Reality Check

2009-05-15T04:26:00.000-04:00

I just wrote a check for over $500. What, you may ask, could I possibly be willing to pay so much for given my current circumstances? Tax penalties? School loans since the government hasn't granted my forebearance request? Nope. That large check would be for my reduced price COBRA health care coverage. Yes, that is the price WITH the 65% government subsidy. Total reality check. I've been watching my budget and counting how many months I would have before my savings ran out but not factoring in that I would be paying so much for heath care. I want to climb up on my health care reform soap box but I will resist. After all, this is not a political forum. That said, if I am still paying over $500 a month for health care AFTER the government subsidy, how does someone, especially someone with a medical condition like lupus, survive for very long after losing their job? Unemployment maxes out at $1620 a month in New York. That doesn't begin to cover my bills. With so many people in my position, I imagine that many people have to choose between mortgage and medication every day. What kind of life is that? I have always thought that health care was way too expensive in this country but I was never vested in the cause. I've seen lots of documentaries on the topic over the years but I was always working and I always had access to health care. Now that I don't have a job, all I can think about is the fact that I have lupus. Insurance is critical for me and without my doctors and my insurance, given how bad my health was a year ago, I might not be alive right now. Now, I too, may have to choose between shelter and medical attention. Suddenly, its not someone else's problem. When society's problems become your personal house guests, your outlook changes quite a bit. Medical care should be readily available for everyone. No matter your political posture, you have to agree that there is something wrong with the fact that it isn't.

Shopping trip!!!

2009-05-13T01:41:00.000-04:00

In my effort to de-clutter my life, I've been de-cluttering my house. Today's project was the cabinets in my bathroom. On the road to peace and cleanliness, I discovered that I am (or was) a beauty product-aholic. Don't get me wrong. I have never been one to stock my bathroom with $200 face cream made from the finest caviar and crystals for at home resurfacing and youthful glow BUT if it was on the shelves of my local drug store, target or Sephora (within a certain price range) and it moisturized, defrizzed, volumized, firmed, tanned, curled, straightened, concealed, or provided a lovely new scent, it was in my shopping bag and ultimately in one of my bathroom cabinets. I tried many things once or twice and moved on in an effort to find my favorites. I never threw anything away though. Waste not, want not, right? Well, want not indeed! Today, I hit the jackpot. No more lamenting the fact that I have had to trade my Olay moisture ribbons body wash for the Target version. If I want a pick me up, I can look in the cabinet and indulge my beauty product habit in all of the gifts and hasty purchases that I've made over the years. So today, I had a fun shopping trip. Some may find it sad but I found it fun. Hey...I've given up shopping for everything but groceries and medication. I gotta get my thrills where I can. Its nice to know that when I want to try something new (or at least new-ish), I need look no further than my bathroom. As for the de-cluttering, I threw out all of the expired things. I am not in the business of giving money saving tips (especially since I'm just learning) but If I am to give one, I would say, take frequent shopping trips through your clutter...maybe even trade unused gifts with friends. Smelling like an unused bottle of cucumber jasmine body spray (at least for me) is a good way to get past not buying that cute green dress that I can only admire from afar while they ring up my prescriptions.

Permission to Thrive

2009-05-11T01:27:00.000-04:00

Today, during one of my many "what's going to happen when my savings run out" moments, my husband stopped me in my tracks by starting one of his "We'll be ok" speeches. Normally, I would blow this off. Don't get me wrong. Its not that the pep talks don't make a difference because they do. Its just that he's always been a bright side of life person until the last minute. He stesses once his back is against the wall. I stress on the journey to the wall. In any event, he started his pep talk as we walked the aisles of the grocery store. I was busy looking at things to inspire new recipes and not listening that closely. He stopped and looked at me and said "you're not listening." I smiled and apologized. Then he said, "Babe, I think writing is your calling. I know you are stressed but you are happier than I ever saw you when you were working. If you want to write, then write. For once, let me worry about how things will get paid. I believe in you. You need to do the same." I could have cried right there in Pathmark. I didn't of course(somehow tears and summer squash don't go together) but I felt overwhelmed. Hubby has always been supportive. That's why I love him but he has never come right out and given me permission to dream and to follow my dreams. I was the risk averse one with the steady job and more importantly, the steady paycheck. He was always the dreamer. I was always stressed and he was usually relaxed. Now I am worried, needy and trying to start a new career. I am unsure of myself and scared to fail...afraid that I will wilt in these circumstances...and there he is, right in front of the summer squash telling me its ok and giving me permission to thrive. I am lucky despite my circumstances and I am going to stop worrying so much. Its distracting me from reaching my full potential. As my one year wedding anniversary approaches, I am going to stop worrying about the uncertainties of tomorrow and snuggle just a little closer to the certainty that my husband is here and he believes in me and my dreams. I will have that whether I am in our cozy home, the guest room of a relative's house, or a cardboard box (but let's be real...I am hoping it never comes to either of the last two options).

Hamster Wheels

2009-05-06T02:37:00.000-04:00

I always envied people who got to do jobs they loved...but only when those jobs seemed like fun to me. Painters, chefs, clothing designers, musicians, you get it...the happy people whose work was not really like work but more an expression of self. I think it was because I was a right brain person working in a left brain environment. I also worked so much that I didn't have time to use the right side of my brain except in two instances: gift giving and wedding planning. Over the years, I had tried to do crafts for therapy. I knitted several "scarves." I put that in quotes because a 2 inch by 12 inch strip best suited for my cat was all I ever really made. My cat did not appreciate her holiday attire. I made bracelets, christmas tree ornaments and watercolor paintings. In the end, so many things were incomplete because I had to get back to focusing on work. I blamed my waning creativity on a lack of time. Now that I have nothing but time to pursue things I like to do. I said it out loud (see my previous post). I am a writer. The issue now is forcing myself to have the discipline to see my once loved hobby as a job. To write on a schedule and to trick my mind into seeing this a job. As I sit here procrastinating, I can't help but think about how wierd it is that we spend our lives in search of something we are passionate about but we often forsake our dreams in pursuit of money only to turn back at the end of our lives and wish we hadn't "wasted" so much time on life's hamster wheel. Now that I have been thrown off of the hamster wheel, I am trying not to sink into the mulch on the bottom of my cage. The only way to do that is to keep reaching up so at the end of my life, I can say that I made the best of this time. Right now that means writing, writing, writing...so that when I am older, I can tell my kids that life threw me off the wheel but I kept running and eventually, I found a new direction and happiness by living my passion and loving my work.

Saying It Out Loud

2009-04-30T20:25:00.000-04:00

I realized today that when I was working as a large law firm lawyer, I never enjoyed it. Sure, there were great moments with colleagues and personal achievements that I was proud of but there was never a sense of fulfillment. At the end of the day, I was most passionate about my pay check...and even that wasn't enjoyable because most of the time, it went to pay bills and the massive amount of loan debt I amassed in law school. Don't get me wrong. I still love the law but corporate law firm life was NOT why I said "I want to be a lawyer when I grow up" when I was 8 years old. Now that I am in my current pickle, I have found myself looking for another job with a certain sized paycheck. I haven't been looking for something I can be passionate about. And, as you know, I haven't met with any success. So today, I am saying it out loud. I don't just want a job. I want to earn money for something I love doing. During my down time, the thing I've been doing is writing. It's my outlet. Its something I've always loved so, despite my aversion to risk and my need for a steady paycheck, I want to write. I have already been forced to scale back financially. I may need a job to help everything move along (and to get health benefits) but writing for a living is the goal. I am scared but I know I can do anything I put my mind to. Fear ends where faith begins, right (thanks, RR)?

Shining Brightly

2009-04-27T19:13:00.000-04:00

The sun never seems to shine as brightly as it does in Manhattan on the first 80+ degree day of the Spring/Summer season. Maybe its all of the reflective services for the suns rays to bounce off of. Maybe its the sheer energy of the city. All of the people sharing food and drinks outdoors, the beauty of the parks and all of the flowers blooming around fountains and on medians...and me being part of it. That's right! I got off of the couch and out of the house this weekend. I met up with a good friend and we shared good wine, great appetizers and hours of chatting. At the end of it all, I felt so much lighter...despite all of the guacamole we inhaled. It was fun not to focus on the downside of my jobless life and just laugh and eat. It energized and renewed me and now, despite my situation, I have hope and I am shining brightly...bouncing off of life's reflective surfaces and hoping my positive energy bounces back my way.

Hibernation

2009-04-24T22:52:00.000-04:00

Today, I reached over to scratch an itch and to my horror, I discovered that a hair had sprouted on my once smooth right shoulder. I panicked for a moment wondering if there were others and then I gave in to the nap that was begging for my attention pre-itchy hair discovery. As I closed my eyes, my cell phone broke me out of my haze. I reached for it with a heavy sigh. It was my husband telling me about a birthday party he had obligated us to and forgotten. As I tried to fight being annoyed at having to go out and tried to decide what to wear, I realized that I hadn't been out in a social setting since my last day of work. I haven't put on a stitch of make-up, let my hair down or worn anything other than pajamas, work out clothes or jeans for those fancy moments when I got to the grocery store. The only exception has been the one time I left the house for an interview and temp agency registration. I have sent out more resumes than I can keep track of and the phone's not ringing. My friends are all busy with work. I stay in one spot on my couch. I sleep all the time. People!!!! I am hibernating and as of today, I have the furry undercoat to prove it!! I have GOT to get out of the house.

Beauty in the Breakdown

2009-04-23T03:30:00.000-04:00

I have been on a sort of self-imposed time out. My computer crashed and I lost what felt like the last 6 years of my life. It was having issues last week but I ran malware anti-virus and it came right back to life. Now everything is gone. Its useless. Luckily, I had backed up some things but the day that it happened, I had been so productive. I was 5 hours into a project when it gave me the "blue screen of death." Maybe you're familiar: Error! We are beginning a memory dump. Involuntary shut down never to fully restart. Well, I had a breakdown. And I don't mean I shed some tears. I mean a full on loud, soul shaking, shoulders heaving, gasping for air, sobbing breakdown. I was sad about the computer but it was just the icing on the bitter cake I've been eating for the last few months. I cried for how much time I spent in a job I hated and for how hateful people were to me in a job I sacrificed so much of myself for. I cried for all the doors that have closed in my face since I've been job hunting. I cried for the time I've missed with friends and for the hopeless way I feel in the worst economy I've ever known. I cried for the unknown and what will happen if my husband and I have to uproot the life we worked so hard to build. I cried for my health, which now seems to be veering away from remission. I cried for having to put children and house purchasing on hold. I know that's a lot, but I have only gotten misty eyed over this situation until this point. I am not a crier. I am a look forward to tomorrow because crying won't fix anything type of girl. But there I was, sobbing and wailing on my husband's shoulder and for once not caring if I looked weak. Finally, I stopped, blew my nose and went to bed. I logged on to my computer the next morning hoping that I'd dreamed the whole thing but I didn't. I pulled the covers over my head for a few hours and then went for a drive. There wasn't a moment when I wasn't on the verge of tears. Today, I stayed in bed until 5:00. Then I got up, took a shower and did some self-help reading. I did some cleaning and tried to clear my head. Now, after a couple of days under ground, listening to torrential rain storms outside, I am ready to turn my face to the sun once more. Like I said, I am not a breakdown type of girl but sometimes, even for those of us who try to remain "strong," there is beauty and necessity in the breakdown. It reminds us that we have feelings and sometimes- whether we are focused on bringing good things into our lives or not-we need to let it out. If nothing else, it brings closure and gets the bad feelings out...and makes room for new, happy times.

Yellow dandelions

2009-04-20T15:15:00.000-04:00

When I was young, spring and summer trips to the park were times I relished with my mom. I would always pick yellow dandelions for her and present them as if they were the prettiest flowers that nature could provide. She would always stick on behind my ear. As I grew up, I realized that those pretty bursts of color sprinkled across untouched hillsides and springing out of cracks in sidewalks and driveways were viewed by most as a target for Roundup or some other weed killer. On my way to the gym yesterday, I noticed that there were dandelions all over the untended hill beside the road. I swear they weren't there a couple of days before. It was the first warm, sunny day (no jacket required) that I have experienced in a while, and I guess the dandelions seized the moment. They were there waiting under the surface of the ground for just the right moment and they will last for the rest of the spring. Its like they knew their time to spring up was coming, though they were cold and buried for what seemed like the longest winter ever. Its like the sun. Its always there. On some days, dark clouds may block its rays but its still there, just beyond the clouds waiting to shine. I think that's like me. Its cloudy right this moment. My talent is under the dirt/behind the clouds waiting for the right opportunity to spring forth and shine. The key to keeping my faith is knowing that the right season or the right conditions are coming and I will be given the chance to shine once more. SO, today, on a rainy, cold Monday in New York, I am still underground but I have a yellow dandelion tucked behind my ear.

$17.99 and $27.10

2009-04-18T19:46:00.001-04:00

Friday afternoon, I stopped at Target to re-up on Advil--excuse me, Target brand gelcap--on Friday. While walking towards the pharmacy, I passed a simple kelly green maxi dress similar to one I fell in love with during a trip to Old Navy last summer. It was sold out and never restocked. I gave up on it until I saw its fraternal twin hanging on a rack...a SALE RACK!!! Only $17.99. I checked for my size, I held it up to me in the mirror and I remembered that there might be a day very soon when $17.99 would be the difference between dinner with water and water for dinner. I placed it back on the rack and walked away. Sadness overwhelmed me. There has never been a time since I was 16 that I wasn't working. Sure, I might not be able to get every shoe, bag, meal or kelly green maxi dress that I wanted but I always knew that I could just wait for the next paycheck and go pick up what my heart desired.

When I left college behind, I also left the days of having under $100 in the bank on any given day. Well, things come full circle, history repeats itself, etc., etc. ad nauseum. I paid this month's bills after I had to abandon my ideal summer dress (not that I am not thanking God for being able to pay the bills this month) and when the smoke cleared, there was $27.10 left in the bank. I looked at the number for a moment, swallowed hard and walked away from the computer. I needed a drink of water to swallow the dose of reality stuck in my throat. I gathered my thoughts and made the call I had been dreading. "Hello, Fidelity. I need to roll over my 401(K). Yes, I am unemployed. Yes, I have been diligently seeking employment. No, I don't have any other options at the moment." I have been putting this off for a while because I kept holding out hope that I would find a job before I started dipping into my retirement account. I'm only 30...and I have been building that account since 23. I didn't always max out because, like most people, other things got in the way...namely, my fancy New York City wedding and my South African honeymoon. So I am sitting at $27.10, glad for experiences that I had before joining Generation L, hoping that I don't have to burn through ALL of my savings and mourning my former shopping ability. Silver lining? At least the bank balance isn't $7.60, which is what it would be if I gave in to my urge to buy the dress (I can subtract...that number accounts for tax). In my dreams though, I am sitting on a beach in Turks and Caicos in my green maxi dress drinking something with an umbrella in while my husband runs our jet ski rental company from a stand a few feet away. At least that's where my 401(k) was supposed to go.

America's Got...Something!

2009-04-16T23:49:00.000-04:00

Today is not what I would call a good day. I know, I know. I am supposed to be immersed in the practice of positivity. I should say this day was a lesson in patience and not a BAD day....when my thoughts got pitiful and my eyes got weepy, I should have rolled out my rarely used yoga mat, gotten into lotus pose so I could breathe happiness in and exhale toxic thoughts out....yeah (pregnant pause) Rome wasn't built in a day.

BUT, this post isn't going to be about my virus infected computer (ERROR! Your computer will shut down in 60 seconds. Save your files...did we mention 60 seconds??) or my umpteenth rejection letter from a potential employer (your resume is exceptional but we've decided to go with someone more exceptional or someone with the same resume who got to us earlier, or no one because of an unexpected job freeze, or...you get it...we're rejecting you). Nope. This post is going somewhere different.

So, I got ready to go to the gym with the same scowl/pout on my face that I had when I was 3 and couldn't have gum from the display in the checkout line at the grocery store. My mom and my husband know that look better than anyone. Sensing my funk, my husband tried to cheer me up by holding my hand like we were school kids. I thanked him for the gesture. I even cracked a smile but I was still sad inside and my pout soon returned. We got to the gym, I grabbed a balance ball and started my ab work. Hubby got a ball and plopped down beside me. He poked me in the arm a couple of times and just when I was about to shoot him an annoyed look (when I'm deep in a funk, I tend to wallow there for at least an hour), we were interrupted by The Walking/Jumping/Dancing Crazy. This guy came bolting into the room with a loud "WOO-HOO!!" Then he started running around and clapping. Then came the real performance. I kid you not, he broke out in a full on disco/techno dance performance while singing at the top of his lungs. He stopped, did a couple of bicep curls while screaming bloody murder and then he gave someone on one of the circuit machines a lesson on his form. A woman stretching on the floor shot him a look when he broke out into part 2 of his song and he screamed "Am I too loud?" She knodded and he said "Yeah. Headphones!" and danced out of the room. I caught my husband's eyes in the mirror and we both burst out laughing. He noted that maybe they should ask "Are you crazy?" on the gym membership application. We decided to leave that room and I went to the women's training room (because apparently we need a separate space) to find some peace. When I finished with my weight training (I sound like such a health nut don't I...makes me laugh as I sit here planning what dessert I'm going to have after dinner), I went out into the main gym to do some cardio. I chose a bike and about 1 minute into my 6 mile trek, the woman next to me decides to sing. Mind you, I was wearing headphones and was listening to Oprah on full volume (to drown out the dance music blaring over the gym soundsystem) so when I say sing, I really mean shriek loud enough to blow out my eardrums. I turned to look at her and I see a woman that looks to be about 60, with her eyes closed, hands waving in the air belting out a song like she is auditioning for America's Got Talent (or America's Got Off Key and Crazy Sewed Up and Locked Down). Again, I laughed (this time to myself so as not to blend into the brand of crazy that took over the gym today) and leaned into my 6 mile ride. She was still singing 2 miles in and the dancer from earlier came dashing by and paused for a clap, dance, WOO-HOO combo near the row of bikes. He moved on and a man came to join my row of bikers. As soon as he sat down, the singer silenced herself and remained that way for the rest of my bike ride. I smiled and remembered that God has a great sense of humor and I instantly rose above my self pity. So, America's Got...Something and I got my lesson: self pity takes you nowhere but down and, as cliche as it is, laughter often is the best medicine.

The Lesson of the Worry Bead

2009-04-14T16:33:00.000-04:00

During a job hunting break today, I watched a documentary focusing on children's reactions to September 11th. Kids always strike me as profound in the midst of tragedy because their approach isn't marred by the need to mince words and be politically correct. Usually (hopefully) they haven't been corrupted by hateful/irational reactions imposed upon them by the adults in their lives. They see things in a simple way. In any event, I was just watching this documentary to pass the time when the camera focused in on a little girl seemingly doing arts and crafts. It turns out that she was in a grief counseling center where her teacher taught them to make beads out of clay. Two lumps of clay are rolled together to form a ball (or a bead) and a hole is poked in the top. You whisper your worry into the hole and then it is locked there forever. She showed her finished bead to the camera and said "see, the worry is locked in here. sometimes, they come back but not really." This reminded me of a sermon I heard in church back when I was stressed out of my mind and studying for the bar exam. The minister said that so many people bring their worries to the alter, pray about them and walk out of church with the same worries as if worrying somehow changes reality. He encouraged laying the worries down and having faith that all things will work out. That is also a central theme of the book I've been reading. Focus on the positive and it will come to you. If you focus on the negative, you will get stuck in it and good cannot come to you. Its the lesson of the worry bead. It got me through the bar exam, my first job hunting process, a major health crisis (don't know if I mentioned that I have lupus) and it can surely get me through this. As much as I like to control things and know what to expect, things work best for me when I am faithful that all things will work out rather than starting each day noting that I am still waiting for a breakthrough. In the meantime, I have to focus on what I can control: my attitude and my actions. Maybe I'll busy myself with bead making. I've got a lot of whispering to do. Hopefully my husband doesn't think I've completely lost my mind.

Circle of Friends

2009-04-14T16:17:00.000-04:00

We all know the saying "Misery loves company." I don't like to think of myself as miserable and I surely don't want company lately. I feel like I don't have anything to say to anyone but "Hi. My name is Nicole and I am unemployed." Last night, in catching up with an old friend, I divulged my big unemployment secret and she confessed that she was in the same position. Once that was on the table, I was able to freely confess that for the first week of joblessness, I didn't really see the point of showering or getting out of my pajamas. She laughed and divulged that she went a week without strapping on a bra...and subsequently discovered that when you are ample in that department that bras exist for more than adapting to corporate and social norms. Over giggles, we shared gripes about friends who "envy all of our free time," stress-induced insomnia, coupon clipping, tragically low caps on unemployment benefits, and how much what you do for a living comes up in conversation. We commiserated over what you say when you search for a job for a living. I confess that I have put off chatting with friends and family because its hard to talk about loss without crying or feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't really fit with the positive attitude that my self-help books are encouraging. That said, I felt better after detailing and laughing at all of the hopelessness I was drowning in. So, yes, maybe I am miserable and I need company in this low place but I am pushing off the negative connotation that comes with that old phrase and saying that misery gets better when someone on your level can be your lifeline. A lot of people in my circle of friends are jobless and by talking about our fate, somehow, we laugh and keep each other afloat for another day.

Cheers!

2009-04-11T19:32:00.000-04:00

Another long day alone. My husband is out, my cat is standoffish and I am multitasking...if you consider sitting in front of a marathon of Real Housewives of New York while typing on the computer multitasking. I looked into volunteering at a few places close to home and filled out some online forms so I feel like I accomplished something. Maybe volunteering will lead me to something greater than I could have imagined. If not, it will lead me off of my couch and out into the world. I already know that helping others will make me feel better. So, today's entry is simple: I propose a toast to a new outlook that focuses on people and things outside of myself. Here's to accepting today and having enough hope to look forward to tomorrow. Yes, I am raising a glass of Reisling and tilting it slightly towards the screen. I have had to give up after work cocktails with friends so tonight, I am celebrating my new beginning on my own. Cheers!

Mom's are the best

2009-04-10T21:04:00.000-04:00

I've been seeing shows about how overwhelmed mothers are all week and I just have to say, either my mom hid it very well or she is magical. I prefer to think the latter. It can be the only real explanation for why she can instantly make me feel better even when I am down (way, way down) in the dumps. Talking to her today made me feel instantly less alone, less bored and less afraid. I got a pep talk, a concrete plan for volunteering and even a new approach to finding a job that I hadn't really thought about. I am refreshed and ready to face the world (on Monday). Now I know why we start to scream "I WANT MY MOMMY" when we are afraid as children. I am not ashamed to say that despite being an adult, I still have days when I scream for my mom (both inside my head and out loud). A positive attitude is great in times like these but being lucky enough to have a mom who will take an hour to give her 30 year old "baby" some heartfelt encouragement on a Friday night...well, as cliche as it sounds, there's nothing like it.

I heart my best friend

2009-04-09T14:07:00.000-04:00

Early this morning, I had a long (I'm talking several hours) conversation with my best friend. A lot of what we talked about was fluff to give us some relief from the Generation L (let go and let down)depression that both of us are facing. We have both been out of work for quite a while and are coming to terms with the fact that all we did up to this point is not enough to get us into an initial interview in some places.

In any event, while I was talking, I stumbled upon an epiphany: Without a job, I don't know who I am. When I was employed, I prided myself upon being more than just a lawyer. I had substance. I was social and could talk to anyone about almost any topic. When I said things like, "I enjoy writing" or "South Africa was beautiful" I realize now that I was a lawyer who liked these things. Before that, I was a law student who liked these things. The goal was always to be a lawyer so the answer to "who are you?" always included the law somehow. Now that I am jobless, I don't know how to answer that question. This morning, in the midst of a fit of giggles (one of those exasperated laugh or cry moments), I dubbed myself a professional couch potato. I don't think there's pay for that unless I win the lottery so...the struggle continues.

Where's my black veil?

2009-04-08T17:54:00.000-04:00

I was watching Oprah today and in counseling a woman who reminded me a little too much of myself, the therapist that was a guest on the show spoke about mourning the loss of a job. I couldn't help but nod my head. What I feel as I sit here and cruise job boards everyday feels like grief. Its like a part of me has died. Like most people, I have always had an idea of the type of person I wanted to be. It was only in the high stress moments that I would say, "who needs this job. I would kill to sit home and do whatever I wanted." Now that I have no other option, I have cemented what I've always known...I am not cut out to be a house wife. With every pointless shower I take and every dish I wash, I grow more and more annoyed. I mean, I'm all for cleanliness but it is frustrating to get up, shower and get dressed just to sit on the couch and surf the internet. Don't get me wrong, there are perks. I like my comfy, around the house attire (though I'm sure my husband longs to see me in something other than last summer's Old Navy sundresses) and I like that I have developed a little more talent in the kitchen (me cooking was a reason to plan for backup takeout or a healthy dose of pepto just a month ago) but its not what I feel I am meant to do. I am young, childless and stuck in the suburbs. I don't have a car because I, like most New Yorkers, used public transportation to commute to work. I signed up with a volunteer agency but then I realized that $15 a day to get into the city is quickly going to turn into something prohibitively expensive. My husband uses the car to get to work so during the day, its me, Food Network, Ellen, Oprah and my cat. Note that even my cat is starting to look at me like, "what are you doing here, besides interrupting my cat nap?!?!?" So, I'm trying to find me in all the silence and cooking but in the meantime, I am mourning. Since I haven't figured out the lesson in all of this or had an epiphany about what to do next, I am pulling down the metaphorical black veil, shutting down the computer and turining on the TV. Paula Deen is making grits toast with mushrooms...maybe its time for a southern menu. I have beat the mexican recipies to death. My husband (who like most people not from the south) hates grits. He should love this next taste tour...hell, at this point, its what I have in the pantry and its something new. I need a challenge.

The point of all this

2009-04-07T17:18:00.000-04:00

It has been exactly one month since I walked out of my office for the last time. As of the start of this year, I had hit the milestones. I was college educated. I got my law degree, passed the bar exam and got a job working in a large corporate law firm in New York City making a lot of money. I was a long way from home and a long way from happy…but I was stable. I was newly married, well traveled, had recently moved into a great starter home in an area that I loved AND, joy of joys, I was healthy for the first time in a long time.
Then, on the 7th of January, there was a knock on my office door and my life changed in a matter of a minute. As I sat across from a man that I had long ago mentally cast as my nemesis and listened to him telling me that the firm had decided to part ways with me as if I were the firm’s high school girlfriend on the last balmy night of summer before new adults venture off to college, I cried. I wasn’t crying for the loss of the job. Indeed, something in me knew this day had been coming for quite some time. It was the typical story. The work got slow, the judgment got more harsh and those senior to me started looking the other way when we passed in the hall. When I asked for more experience, I was told to visit the library and check out a book. When I asked for examples of my mishaps, I was given examples from the previous year…a year where all of my reviews were excellent except one. Coincidentally, the bad review came from the attorney that insisted on working with me all year in 2008. There were not-so-whispered conversations in hallways about me but I kept my head down. I told myself that if something was really wrong, I would be told. After all I had sacrificed, I would be given a fair shot to turn things around…if they indeed needed to be turned around. I, like so many others, vented to my work friends about the unfairness of it all and they commiserated with me. Some gave me warnings that someone was trying to work against me but I ignored it. Maybe I ignored it because the universe seemed to be screaming at me, “LEAVE. This job is not for you” even before the focused, and at times, mean spirited campaign against me began. Even with all of that, I can’t say the tears were ones of relief. Their salty flavor was more one of fear, of well-laid, broken plans, of facing reality…of unbelievably bad timing.
As he asked me if I had any questions, I knew I had many (and a few curse words), but I couldn’t get them out past the lump in my throat. Chief among the questions though was not one he could answer. How did I get here? I had always planned to be a lawyer. I had always wanted to live in New York City. I had planned my path and everything worked out. Now that I was married, living in the suburbs and planning when the time would be right to work children into the equation, the bottom decided to fall out? Just when I felt like asking what cruel twist of fate this was, I decided against the theatrical meltdown, dried my tears, called my mom and my husband, cried again and then reminded myself that I was a bankruptcy lawyer. I had the benefit of 60 days notice. My confidence had been trampled but I was just in the wrong environment. I would dust myself off, get it together and find a new firm. I got headhunter calls everyday. I would be fine…but that night, I would make happy hour for the first time in a long time.
The next day, I started hunting for a job like it was my full time job. I met with career counselors, joined job search websites and talked to numerous friends and headhunters. One friend who had been searching for a job for months before I started told me that he didn’t want to discourage me but that it was going to be a miracle if I found a job before my 60 days ran out. I heard what he was saying but I didn’t internalize it. I didn’t have time for negative thoughts. I was going to find a job…a good one making the same salary. I knew lots of people and seemingly everyone was hiring. I got my interview attire together and planned my answers to the standard interview questions. I had been an interview coach at one point and run workshops both in law school and as a lawyer. I was ready for this.
After my first round of interviews, I was faced with, “We’re going to need to see your transcript. You went to Pace Law School. We don’t recruit from Pace.” It was startling that after five solid years of practice, I was going to have to rationalize my first year law school grades. I mean come on. I passed the bar. I practiced law. School has very little to do with the actual practice of law. But, that didn’t matter. Its what I had to do. So I ordered and distributed my transcript. My B- average got me a boatload of rejection letters. One even came after my references were checked and the attorney I interviewed with essentially told me (and my reference) that I was exactly what he was looking for.
Now, as I start to think that my law school education means little because of where I went and how I did on closed book multiple choice exams, I find myself jobless in the worst economy in the last half century. I have bills to pay…including all of those law school loans. After a month of wallowing in rejection letters and chardonnay, I am starting to look back at my hobbies to figure out if I can finally find a way to work my passion into income. I figured a lot of people are in the same position as me. For years, I rationalized my misery by telling myself something that I heard a colleague say years before. “Your job isn’t supposed to make you happy. Get some hobbies.” That makes me laugh now. Working in a large law firm doesn’t afford anyone time to cultivate hobbies. Most of the time, if you can work in a shower, have a meal away from your desk and manage to get four to six hours of sleep, you are ahead of the game. Hobbies become what you used to do before you started to work. Its time to find/build a new life. How poetic (or tragic, depending on the day) that it starts at 30. 30 is the new 20 right? Sigh. Anyway, I thought I would write for therapy and share with those who are interested/taking a similar journey along with me. Post your comments/suggestions/stories. Maybe Generation L (laid off and let go) can find a new identity—a happier one. No matter what, I have to take a step before I sink any deeper into the butt print I have spent the last month creating on my overpriced sectional.